Motion

Outie '05!!

2005-01-23T21:02:00.000-06:00

I moved. this spot is vacant.

But I am having a new house warming party, if you want to come!

www.andropolis.org/gen

So, don't come around here no more.

don't.

don't do it.

I want a Sunday kind of love...

2005-01-23T13:09:00.000-06:00

It all started with a wake-up call
from Angie
Hearing the Chicago subway
in the background

Ahhh....

This will be a good day.

Entering the kitchen
with nothing but the need for
Coffee
on my mind

Baby snores from
the Richard
asleep in the family room

Caitie
in her normal paper reading position

The suprise of seeing
Melon
in the basement
when I thought she was gone

Andrew
sleeping
and sleeping
he is still sleeping

The call from
Noah
that ends up with
him on the way over here
RIGHT NOW!!

Melon
On the mission to make sure
we are all well fed on
this glorious morning

A house full of
lovely wonderfull souls

Shayan
and his endless supply of tape

Joni
Starting the soundtrack for this
lovely day.

"Help me, I think I'm falling
In love again..."

Life is going to be good again.

I thank God for this.

I am lucky.
Blessed.

I love my family.
My friends.

small hope

2005-01-22T15:25:00.000-06:00

With misty eyes
I view the world.

With hope
I hold on tight.

With my heart
I find it hard to
Feel.

I can only
Carry on.

Motion.

Lost in a vast sea of confusion

going down, down, down.

How can these weak hands
Ever make a change?

With hope
I hold on tight.

With blessed souls
Surrounding me.

Blessed souls on earth
And circling me from the heavens.

I can feel a indication of light
Shining on my shivered soul.

With hope
I hold on tight.

With hope...

Shmangela

2005-01-20T22:45:00.000-06:00

So, if you look at my "illustrious souls" list, you will see that there is a new addition. One that makes my soul sing and my heart dance with joy!

Angela has a blog.

Now, she will need to familiarize her self with the "ways of the blog" before we see much action, but that should not stop you from visiting her "amongst the tree tops" and giving her your shout out of love. Cuz, you know that you love her. I know that I do.

So, anyway, time for sleep and dreams and thoughts of a time not so far away when I get to be in the same room with Shmangie-face at NEBY! WOOHOO!

--genika

SCORE!!!

2005-01-19T16:38:00.000-06:00

Opportunity Analysis
Math
Human Relations
Marketing
Public Speaking

These things rock.

I started school today.

a-ma-zing!

I am sure to be extremely busy with loads of homework and projects, but boy am I ready!

I knew that I was going to like it, but I had no idea how amazing my classes and my professors would be! It is all starting to make sense now.

I am getting my degree in Business Entrepreneurship so that I can own my own rocking business. I want to do Event planning… but the idea of owning my own coffee shop is what I am really brainstorming right now. I mean, come on. How perfect would that be!! Right up my alley. An interfaith coffee joint called “Spiritual Joe”. If you laugh, you make me cry. Believe in me.

So, anyway, this day has lightened my spirits and made me feel goal oriented and energetic. I already have a couple hours of homework to do, so, I will go do that at Starbucks. The soon to be run out of business Starbucks…

...cuz Gen -to the- Z is takin’ it ova, fool!

ouch.

2005-01-18T17:08:00.000-06:00

The retreat is over.

This brings great relief to my mind.

It was a wonderful time. Amazing to say the least. Yet, I feel as if I wasn’t even there. I feel like it was all one quick blur. I have tried to reflect back on it as a whole, and find that I only have vague pictures in my mind.

I went into it hoping that it would make me temporarily happy. That being surrounded by 45 shiny happy luck star youth would ease my mind. However, it turned out to be harder. I just wanted quiet. Peace. And I am afraid that I was less help then I could have been. I was just plain out of it. I had to fight every minute to keep myself together to keep from bursting into tears.

I am still in another realm. It is hard to keep the motion going when your soul is sick and sad. I am having a difficult time placing my feelings and knowing where to go. What to do. I am having a hard time trying to go along with life while I know that there is a little soul out there that is hurting so. That soul is not given the chance to fly. It doesn’t know real love. Doesn’t know what it is like to be safe and truly taken care of. This is so painful. This little sweet face has plagued my mind.

I don’t really know how to function anymore. I find myself pretending that everything is fine. Pretending that I haven’t witnessed one of the most brutal sides of humanity. But all that I really want to do is cry and hide my face. Forever.

I feel the whaling of the world through every inch of my being.

I wish that I was better at showing my emotions. I used to be better at it. Somewhere along the way, I let it go. Now, I am harder. More reluctant to let myself be vulnerable to others. It is sad when you really just need someone to be there to hold you.

Now, here I am. Expressing all of this on a blog that I know many of my friends will read. Silly. They can read it here, but I can’t express it when I go upstairs into a room filled with lovelies.

I’ll be ok.

Bliggity Blah....with at least part of a happy ending

2005-01-14T13:55:00.000-06:00

So, after the worst experience in my 26 years of exsistence, after the grim reality of the darkness that our world holds in its hot little hands, after being sickened and angered, after a long night plagued with evil dancing ruthlessly through my emotionaly tired mind and not much sleep...

Where do you go? What do you do?

I am functioning in a very cloudy bubble. Dread. The feeling of helplessness. It is vast and unfailing.

My biggest struggle in life is not being able to save the world 'with my own two hands' in a time crunch. Like... right this very minute.

Paralized.

I don't think that I am ever going to be the same person again. In time, this will, God willing, become a positive change. But for now, it is a harsh taste of the underbelly of mankind. Shown to me for what? I haven't figured that out completely yet. Time.

Prayers are a wonderful and powerfull thing.

--Genevieve

PS: I also got fired.

THANK GOD!!!

Peanuts and chocolate

2005-01-11T17:37:00.000-06:00

There is nothing like getting stuff done. There is nothing like getting stuff done with people that you really like. There is nothing like a good consultation that has an amazing outcome. There is nothing better then seeing peoples minds and thoughts meld together into a beautiful picture. There is nothing better then sleeping when it is so desperately needed. There is nothing better then getting time with a good friend. There is nothing better then feeling loved. There is nothing better then being stressed over something that is inspiring. There is nothing better then working hard on something you know will be powerful. There is nothing better then knowing that you get to see 34 amazing souls in 4 days. There is nothing better then knowing that education is right around that corner. There is nothing like knowing you get to go to NEBY fest. There is nothing like a good talk with your momma. There is nothing like good food. There is nothing like good coffee. There is nothing like life.

There is nothing like overcoming tests and seeing the amazing view of the mountains that lie ahead of you. There is nothing like knowing that even though they will be rough, you can accomplish anything.

There is nothing like it. Nothing.

running on coffee and life

2005-01-09T14:06:00.000-06:00

My glasses are crooked.

Besides that, everything is good.

After my nice stay in STL, I came back and dove into making up hours at work. This has been long and boring, but it will be worth it when I get my paycheck.

I made up a new drink today. It is basically an americano with a teeeeny tiiiiiny splash of caramel in it. Now, this goes against many of my personal coffee traditions. I am not a floofy coffee drinker. I am a dark cup o' Joe girl, so for me to floof up my drink is strangest of the strange. It is tasty, and I am most sure that I am not actually the inventor of this concoction, but I will relish in my brilliant idea, none the less. It simply makes it easier to guzzle down faster. Like I really needed that. It is just another one of those vices that, eventually I will have to give up. yeah. I have a coffee problem. But I just love it.

coffee is life. life is coffee.

I have tomorrow off. yeah! Though it will be filled with errands. Still in the process of finalizing my school stuff, and so, it is exciting even when it is tedious and boring.

I am queen of boring. The boring queen.

I almost got hit in the head with an avalanche of ice that fell off the rooftop at work. It would have been serious if I hadn't seen something shiny on the ground and went to look at what it was. Thank god for the Twix wrapper. It just possibly saved my life.

Melon, Andrew, Richard and I are getting together to work on the retreat tonight. That is sure to be the complete opposite of boring.

I am sleepy.

I am content.

caramel americano time.....

Shiney Happy Star Times

2005-01-07T13:37:00.000-06:00

So, I woke up yesterday in STL to snow coming down. I shot up in bed with fiery dread in my eyes! What was I going to do? This weather was testing me. I knew that I would have to take my chances and hit the road before I got stuck there for ever.

I did not hesitate. I immediately jumped into Lucy(through the hatchback because the door locks were frozen shut) and hit the road. I was scarred. What if the roads were icy and dangerous? Was I pushing it? What if I got into an accident? I knew that it was a chance I was going to have to take.

Fortunately, the roads were absolutely fine. I made it back safe and sound.

I ran in, took a shower, and then jumped back into the car and headed Laurence, where Andrew and I would YOU for a quite a few hours. It was, as the title of this post expresses, a Shiney Happy Star Time!!!

We came up with some really great things for the retreat that is happening next weekend here, in Kansas City. (for more details, check out www.youthonunity.org) It is going to be just amazing! And so fun! Oh! Holy Holy HOLY! Yes, it will be a good time. Good. Time. goooodtiiimmmee.

Then, Richard joined us. Now, anyone who knows these two chaps knows that there is no way to avoid out of control laughter. It was fun. I won't go into the details. You will have to come to the retreat to find out. But, man. I just love you boys!

That is all. I am going to work now.

So is Life

2005-01-05T18:13:00.000-06:00

So, today, I was supposed to head back to KC, only to find out that there is a horrid ice storm sweeping the Midwest. It is not safe for me and Lucy to travel. So, I remain safe and comfy in STL until further notice.

This is nice and not so nice at the same time. Though I love it here, and am only surrounded my people who love me and want to laugh and hug continually, there is the urgent need to return to my current place of residence and to my current place of employment. Money needs to be made, and financial aid needs to be locked down, school books need to be bought, and retreats need to be finalized. Only some of this can happen while I am here, and what can be done is only bits and pieces. Patience and trust are definitely virtues.

Now, am going to leap and bound joyfully out the door, and partake in some University City Devotions that will take place at my second STL home, the Carter-Piff residence. Sure to be a completely stellar time. Have I ever told you how much I love that family? Well...Let me tell you! I LOVE THAT FAMILY!

I had a wonderful last few days with my bro, who is now safe and sound back in the town of the Sea. Miss him already. But we had much quality sister brother time and lots of fun with my mom. So, it was worth it. BIG time.

I have had some wonderful time with Laurie also. She has this way of making me feel so capable. That nothing is too big for me to accomplish. I just love her and am so thankful for the legacy that has been given to us.

Ben is great too. Love that booch face so much!

Mark has the best music on the planet. Yeah. I know that I have said that Andrew has the best music on the planet, but Mark might have him beat. (sorry dropple.) Actually, the best thing on earth would be the two of them in a room together with all of their music! Man. I will dream about that.

Anyway, off to say the Fire Tablet!

smooooooch!

Today, it was a good day

2005-01-03T17:11:00.000-06:00

So, Dae Dae and I “Looped” it today. We went to the Smoothie shop for some wheat grass shots. Mmmmm. We also hit up Streetside, where I purchased the new “Gift of Gab” cd. It is a must have. My bro is diggin it too, so that rocks faces. We went to Blueberry Hill for some N/A beverages. BH is one of the “places to be” around here. Not so much at 2 in the afternoon, but still fun times.

We also went to the Blackberry Café, one of my personal staples, for some Americano drinkage. Double mmmmm. I also ate the worlds best Hummus there. Chatted with Chrissy for a while.

Soon, we will be heading over to the C-P cave for some grubbin dinner and family fun. Tony and Jamie will be there, and Ben will show up after having a wonderful few days in CHI for a Ruhi in the Woods reunion. He also got to see Shmange. Jealous to the max.

THEN, Jack-o and my bro and me and possibly Ben are gonna kick it. We are hoping to find something fun and exciting. Possibly the City Museum. That would be bomb.

Last night, Dae and I watched “Napoleon Dynamite”. If you have not seen this movie masterpiece, please run out and do so. It was fantastic! My brother and I could not have found a more perfect movie to experience together. We laughed so h@rd core and are still living in the midst of famed one liners.

Off to partay. Have a good one.

Maddy, I am yours when I get home. My super hero powers will be in full effect, just for you. Love.

Hit the road, Gen

2005-01-02T15:45:00.000-06:00

My hasty late night drive home was nice.

I got home from work at about 10:30ish, and packed my bags for the morning, only realizing the large intake of caffeine at work had doomed me from finding sleep any time soon. So, I marched down to the basement, found my Faddle on the computer, and announced my late night departure. Now, this was almost immediately taken back, because I received one of those Faddle looks that just trys to kill your heart. She is so cute sometimes. Like a little cute…cute…cute little cute-cute. But, I stuck to my guns, and departed shortly after with Lucy, my car.

It is a really free feeling when you are almost the only one on the road. I was listening to my music, and crusin in the dark. The moon was remarkable and the stars, at points, were the brightest I have EVER seen them. It was truly beautiful.

The drive was marvelous. I have realized that I need to sometime soon, purchase a hand held recorder, because, I come up with some good stuff when I am driving. I really do. I surprised myself several times, and of course, by morning, (or 3 this afternoon,) all of the mad genius is gone. Gone. GOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNEEEEE!

I took a lot of the time in reflection. I seem to be a very perplexed person these days. There are certain aspects of my life that I just can’t seem to shed light on. Things this blog will never see. Things, I wonder, will I ever get a true grasp on? Lucky me, they are NOT seriously important to the success of me as a human being, more on the succeeding level of comfort and contentment. But, nonetheless, things that I would hope to have some sort of grasp on later in life. Ram-bl-ing.

But to continue…

I have realized something quite profound in the quest of Gen’s understanding of herself. A large majority of my issues and downers are completely based on others. Meaning, I am always trying to make myself reflect what others want to see me as, or, what I think they want to see me as. Make any sence? This comes from years of trying to make the ugly truths of my life look perfect and pretty and organized. Something that for some crazy reason, I thought I had fixed and under control, but alas, there is still a far and stretching path ahead on this one. So, now that I have come to terms with this, I have to follow through with working on it.

I wish that I were able to be the person that I am to myself. Meaning, I completely get myself. There are very few that get me in the true “me” way. I wish that there were more. Well, I just wish I had more of my friends around me. I am alone a lot. And when I am around some people, I just get this automatic vibe that people are going to be judgmental and won’t dig me, so I just shut off. I hate it when you get that vibe, because sometimes, you are wrong, and you lose a great opportunity to meet someone wonderful. Or you have caused the “half way” relationship that exists more often then not in my life. I need to work on being comfortable within myself and not worrying so much about how people are going to react. I hate it when people around me do it, so how can I do it too, when it is the saddest thing in the world to witness. Hypocrite Gen Represent.

I also wish that I were a super hero. I really do. I wish that my superhero power was to take all the pain away from people and to truly make them happy. With one fatal hug, they would be all better. Of corse I wound need a neat outfit, so that people wouldn’t know that it was me, and a name. I would really need a name…….
Anyway, I am going to go and be with my brother and mom now. Man. Time is so short with them. I hate it. I wish that David was a regular part of my life. I just adore the kid. Just simply adore him. He is the greatest.

I Get to Go Home AGAIN!!!

2004-12-30T14:40:00.000-06:00

Since my brother is a doofus, and decided to collapse his lung, he will be unable to make it here to KC for a visit, so, much to my dismay, I will have to return to STL for a little more brotha time.

JK! Much to my dismay my bootie!

I am thrilled that his lung collapsed, causing me to have to come back there. My trip wasn't long enough the first time. So, it all works out great!

PLUS, maddie is going to come with me! YEAH! ROAD TRIP! Anyone else wanna come? We can make it a PARTY!

ROQUE!!!!!

The Johnson crew returns today. I am happy. It will be great to hear of all they saw and did.

word.

Genevieve

Shmange

2004-12-28T22:07:00.000-06:00

I just got to have a nice long conversation on the phone with Angie. It has been a few weeks since this has taken place, and it was good to catch up with the ol’ broad. She always makes me feel content and a little bit more planted on the ground.

I remember, back in the good ol’ days (like 4 months ago, before it all changed), Angie and I would spend hours and hours sitting on the notorious porch swing talking. Mostly, we talked about God, the Faith, and all the goings on in the world. They, by far, are some of my favorite memories in my life.

So many people have been in my life that have taught me and helped me grow and develop. Heck, everyone I have ever encountered has done this. Nevertheless, there is that special handful of people who,without a doubt, will be in my life forever. Shmange is one of these people.

She once said to me, “There are friends that you get to know, and then there are your soul mates. The ones that you have always known. Then when you come accross them, it is as it always was. No matter how far you move away from them, you always know that they are right there because your souls are connected.”

She was right.

Mwah!

Prayers Needed

2004-12-28T14:15:00.000-06:00

My brother had to go into the hospital in STL today for a minor surgury. He has a collapsed lung. it isn't anything too major, but he needs prayers, none the less.

Traveling with Lucy

2004-12-27T20:08:00.000-06:00

I love to drive. I love it like mad.

Half of the goodness of my trip was the car ride there and back. In my fairly new car, Lucy. It is the perfect time to drink coffee, smoke(yeah, yeah, I know) and listen to music and think. Think a lot.

When I left for St. Louis on Friday, it was internal dialogue of, "Oh my gosh! Get in the car! This is going to be AWESOME! HURRY! Drive safe and have fun, but, HURRY!"

On the way home it was harder. I didn't want to leave. My internal dialogue was a little more like,"Get in the car. I know, just get in the car. You need to go back. Get in the car as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. So, just get in, and get going. GET-IN-THE-CAR!"

I had the classic Gen response to going there. I was happy because of the people that would be around me, and I was simply content about that. But on Friday night, I was driving to my friend Chrissy's house, and the city was beautiful! It was dark, and there were lights everywhere. It felt very alive and fresh and moving. I was struck by this sense of love for a place that I at one time couldn't wait to get out of. But like Joni said, "you don't know what you got til it's gone." She is such a smart woman. I am never happy where I am. Someday, that will hopefully change.

I forgot about how neat the culture is there. It is a big melting pot of style, ethnicity, thought, art, and beauty. You will never find too much of one thing in one place. That is something that I now appreciate. It is pretty standard here, in KC. There isn't much diversity in any aspect.

But, at the same time, I am glad to be here. Home #3. The trip to home #2 left me energized and rejuvenated. Ready to tackle things that are coming my way, and thankful for all the bounties that God has bestowed upon me. I can't really complain. Life is healthy and good.

My brother is my darling. I am so happy to get some time with him. I only wish that it could be more often. He is my favorite. Absolutely without a doubt my favorite. I lucky sister.

don't forget......Portals to the Divine!

I Love it Here

2004-12-26T14:39:00.000-06:00

It always takes leaving some place to make you see how wonderful it is.

I LOVE ST.L.!

I am back in STL visiting my mom and whoever else I can try get my hands on during my very short stay.

I can finally share this story on here, now that it has happened...

My not so little brother called me about a month ago, and said that he got a ticket to come out here for the Holidays. So, we planned the trip, and didn't tell my mom. We wanted to surprise her. It has been almost 2 years since the 3 of us have been together in the same room, and it has been WONDERFUL! I picked him up from the airport at 2:27 am ( his flight was delayed 3 times, bah!) and we drove back to the house. After discussing the fact that mom might freak out if she woke up and went downstairs, only to see some random body sleeping on the couch, and to avoid any trip to the hospital with either mom in the middle of a stroke, or David with injuries that would only come to and individual who was trying to rob a house, we decided to wake her up when we got home. It was around 3:30 a.m. when we got to the house, so, I quietly went up and woke her. I said that I had a present for her, but that she needed to come down stairs to get it. She thought that I was crazy, but agreed. The look on her sweet little sleepy eyed face when she saw my brother was enough to make the angels sing!

It was priceless!

Christmas day followed with great perfection. We all slept until around 2. It was nice. I haven't slept that long in forever. Well, it wasn't really that long saying that I got to bed around 4:30 or 5 in the morning, but still. It was nice. We got up, drank coffee, visited, hugged a lot and then we went and had a big huge dinner at the Carter-Piffs. It was wonderful. Ben, Tony and Jamie who are newlyweds and so cute it makes you deliciously ill, Chrissy, Mark, mom, David, and me. We ate, laughed, drank more coffee, and just had a wonderful time! Then ma, dae, chrissy and I went and watched a movie. Nice simple day. Full of love and family. Perfection. I tell you. Per-fec-tion.

Today consisted of waking up to Jamie jumping on my bed. I didn't know I had slept so long. The Carter-Piff clan came over and we ate the traditional post Holy Day breakfast. Sweedish Pancakes, coffee and love. So yummy!

Tonight, we are going to go have dessert at Tony and Jamies appartment and then I am going to go to a fundraiser movie night at one of the local's homes. The community is helping to raise money for a Jamaican Baha'i that is here. He is going to go back and re-vamp the Baha'i television channel with more updated info and material. I can't wait to learn more about it. AND it is going to be great to see a bunch of STL peeps, since none of them even know that I am here. It will be like a little suprise! "Hey! It's me, Gen, and I brought the chips!"

Besides that, I am soooooooo well. I feel rejuvenated, ready and excited about this new life that am creating.

Much love to you all. I will post pictures soon. There are many pictures that you will all have to see! They are lovely and funny and strange. Like my Opera singing mom smoking a cigarette.......wierd.

Loves, Gene

Awestruck and so in Love

2004-12-23T18:24:00.000-06:00

Man.. I was really excited to have this time on my own while the Johnson's were in the Holy Land. Of course, I love them, and it is strange to be in their house without them, but to have my own space. To wrap myself up in myself. In my head. In my way. It has been wonderful.

I am awestruck. I just read Lacy's blog. She has just returned home from Haifa, and she has beautiful pictures and beautiful words to share. I find it so interesting. Everyone that I have had the blessing of talking to after their return home has reacted the same. No one can put it into clear words. But at the same time, they don't need to for the power of their experience to come through. For them to be left speachless, to see the passion and love and joy written on their faces, to feel the energy that exudes from their soul, to feel the "re-birth" of sorts, that is enough.

Tomorrow, I am driving to St. Louis. I am so happy! I will get to snuggle with my mom. Drink "Piff" coffee with my spiritual family, see my oh so loved friends, and more. I can't imagine how I will feel after that. I just know that it will be pretty darn snappy and special.

I am so in love with the Baha'i Faith. I can not imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't been given this precious gem. My blessings are endless, and the life that I have been given is beautiful.

Ya Baha'u''llah pa!

Everytime I feel like I am losing grasp, that I have no clue what I am here for, what I am supposed to do, I get confirmation. And I know that I am being guided along my way.

Portals to the Divine

Love.

Spiritual Joe

2004-12-22T16:47:00.000-06:00

The Johnson's finally got out of Jersey on Sunday night at midnight and told me they would email me when they got settled in. I still haven't heard anything.

Though there is this part of me that is worried and needs the email to give a sense of closure to their travel drama, I feel in my gut that they are there and that they are fine.

The last two days have been uncanny in the positivity that has encompassed my whole being. I have been in an amazingly positive, spiritual, happy, content mood and have been surrounded by people who are loving and happy and excited about being alive.

I have been able to shared my coffee knowledge with some amazing customers who have said that I have inspired them to learn more about it and to explore the depths of the coffee addiction that has spread like wildfire across the country, and is only now becoming a natural morning indulgence to so manyaround here. At least around the location of my store. We are smack dab in the middle of a warehouse district, so a "floofy" Late' or Mocha, is a foreign concept to many who just want their QT cup filled with good ol' Joe. At the beginning, they came in asking for French Vannilla late's that came out of a MACHINE! What! That is BLASPHEMY! After arguing with them over the price of a REAL and AUTHENTIC Vanilla Late', some of the dudes are starting to come around. I have regulars. I knew that working for "the company" (cough, starbucks,cough) would come in handy. I am known as the official, "Coffee Snob", a term of endearment created by on of the warehouse guys named Butch. I know. It is so great. So straight out of a movie. Buch, otherwise known as, 24oz. Raspberry Mocha guy, comes in everymorning with a big ol smile, and this morning, chocolates, for the coffee snob. It makes you want to sigh and smile. *Sigh, and a smile*

Besides that, everywhere that I have gone (that is pretty much straight to work and back to the house with one venture to the Blockbuster to get a movie that didn't work...) people have commented on how nice it is to see someone smiling, saying thank you, being patient, making them feel like someone is happy to see them. I found this to be very refreshing. This is the way I like to be. It remined me that when you are happy, you make others happy. It is pretty simple.

I know that much of it has to do with that fact that I have been deepening a lot in the Faith and praying like crazy. I have been playing my guitar,and I even played the piano, which hasn't really happened in 6 months or so. Not that I really know how to play the piano, but I know enough to improve some good minor chords, and to make moody earnest sounds. I am feeling my creative side more and more.

With all of this happening at close to the same time as the Johnson's arrival in the Holy Land, I can't help but feel like their vibe is reaching me. Maybe they are praying for me. I don't know. But what ever it is, it is incredible.

"Were it not for the cold, how would the heat of Thy words prevail, oh Expounder of the worlds? -- Baha'u'llah, The Fire Tablet

Side Note...

2004-12-20T22:10:00.000-06:00

I am always coming across quotes from the Baha'i Faith that are very beautiful and inspiring, so, I started a second blog that is dedicated purely to sharing these breathtaking quotes with you.

You can find the link at the bottom of the column on the right. It is called Portals to the Divine.

I hope that you check it out whenever you check out my ramblings.

Life feels real right now. As real as it can feel.

A Mountain is a Really Big Hill

2004-12-20T01:22:00.000-06:00

Let's talk about mountains.

You start climbing one, you toil, you sweat, you finally reach the top, and what do you get? Well, along with a sense of accomplishment, of peace, of a job well done, along with the satisfaction of doing what you set out to do...You get a great view of the next mountain. Looming. Challenging. Calling your name.

But wait! Don't feel like you have to take on that next mountain yet. Let's dwell on this one for a while. Lay there with your hands stretched out behind your head. Watch the clouds running across the sky and tell yourself you're on top of the world because in a sense you are. Just be for now, for you.

This walk never ends, you know. There's always another mountain. That's what makes life thrilling and you breathless.

There are days, there are times when you feel like you've walked so far, when the voice inside you is complaining that it's all uphill, that it always will be. And then, after all that, way beyond your blue horizon, you see the biggest mountains you've ever seen, and you think, "I can't do that."

Well, I hope that you always have somebody who tells you that you can. Like I'm telling you know.

Send in the Clowns

2004-12-19T02:24:00.000-06:00

It is sad when you realize that all of your dreams, all of the ones that you have dreamed of your whole life, have been lost in a dumpster somewhere in the mid-states.

I have realized many things in the last few months that have been very harsh. Reality checks are horrid.

My vice-principal in High School signed me out of almost all of my math and science credits so that I could take more music and drama. You see, at that time, I was sure to be famous. I was going to be the one to “go far.”

So much for that.

I have been reflecting on the life that my mom gave me. The amazing life that many could only wish for. I had an amazing and eclectic upbringing. She is an Opera singer. I grew up back stage. A “curtain kid” as I like to call it. We grew up going to her rehearsals, shows, cast parties, hearing people singing and laughing and acting off stage. I grew up participating in community theater and regular dance performances. I loved it. I have been formed by this more then I have let myself realize.

I was brought up around SO much culture. Music. All kinds of music. I got to be around artists. Some of my mom’s closest friends were, and are, amazing painters and sculptors. Dance. Classically trained and at a good school. But, the thing that saddens me, is that my life was swept away in the turmoil, and I lost it all. I haven’t seen or done any of these things in years. I have lost everything that formed me. I know nothing about any of these marvelous things.

Along with feeling like I have no solid ground, I also feel like I am running out of time. I am nothing but creative, yet, I have no outlet. I have none of the things that make me thrive.

I need a big empty dance studio for a day. Just the studio, my old ballet shoes, and me. And some Copeland and Bernstein.

I need a stage. A big HUGE stage. With no one in the theater but a spotlight and me.

I want to sing jazz in a smokey club with a band.

I want, but I do not have, and I don’t know how to have it. I am scarred.

I have sad regret. I hate that. I hate regret. I do not even really believe in it, but I feel it deep within my soul.

Someday, I’m gonna be somebody.

The time has come

2004-12-16T22:11:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, our beloved friends, the Johnson's, are leaving for their Baha'i Pilgrimage on Saturday.

To Mark, Kathy, Andrew, Catie, and Madeline, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are going to have such a wonderful experience, and I can only imagine what personal growth this trip will mean for you all together as a family and individually. Beautiful. Praises!

While they are gone, and there is no one in the house but me, Fluffy, and the mouse that isn't there behind the fridge, I plan to be very......Genevieve. Just me, some books, a guitar, some paint, a voice, a piano, and possibly some dancing, though I haven't placed which room will be the most effective for such acts. Signs are pointing to the kitchen. ha ha. We shall see. Or should I say, Fluffy shall see. Good thing she doesn't speak human. whew!

Ok, so, yeah. I am going to bring out all that I know is in me. All the things that I tend to hide and ignore for various reasons. It is funny. I have been seeing in myself lately, that all the things that I tend to hide from are the things that are the most ingrained in my soul. They are the things that I have known about since probably the day I was brought into this crazy world. And yet, I know absolutely nothing about any of them. I think it is time to ignite a fire. A fire of expression and passion and joy.

I am cleansing my soul. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to deepen myself in the Faith that holds my soul together.

I am going to be me.

It will all be worth it

2004-12-15T16:50:00.000-06:00

I am working a 14 hour shift today.

Why you ask? Because there was a need for it, and I need the funds.

It will all be worth it next week. Not now, but next week.

Back to the no sleep thing. Ahhhh. The wierd thing is that I kind of like it.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. It really made me feel better.

--G to the E to the N

Trying to figure me out? I am.

2004-12-14T01:29:00.000-06:00

It is a very different experience when you move multiple times in less then 2 years. Especially when you stayed in one place for so long. It has come to my attention, that part of my anxiety in life is not feeling grounded. I feel like I never have a place of my own. I miss that. I have been so blessed with the people that have come to be my support, but I can't help but have this heavy sence of burden all the time. I mean, they so graciously welcome me into their lives, only to realize that I am a 26 year old no one who can't balance a check book for more then a week without screwing it up. That my future may not be realistic, and that I am air-headed and flighty.

I miss, the one place that would be the worst place for me to be, more then anything. I crave the smell of sea air. Of pink and blue painted skys behind towering mountains. The sound of the train. The rain. Having a national park as my backyard. I miss the beauty and chaos of urban life. REAL urban life. Of numerous coffee shops around every corner with smokey jazz billowing out every nook and cranny. I miss my soul connections to my friends to whom I can no longer seem to connect to anymore.

Seattle has become a dream from long ago. Something that may not be real. I have chosen to forget the horrid darkness that is also embedded there for me. But, when I am asked, "If you miss it so much, why don't you go back?" I almost shiver.

I am now on a long journey. I didn't expect that when I got on the road. I expected everything to be fixed and final. I knew pain would be involved, I knew that things would be hard and stressfull, but I must have thought that there would be an end, not a continuum of new tests and new experiences that I might not have the answers to. I didn't realize that the "school of life" wouldn't be enough. (I took AP classes in that school.) I didn't realize that people wouldn't understand that what I have accomplished in a very short amount of time IS worth something. I forgot that people run when you bring up that fact that you have been through stuff that "people just don't talk about". Oops. MY bad.

There is this part of me that wants to run back to my mom. She will always be the one to calm me down in any given situation. Big and small. To always unconditionally love me. She always tells me all the wonderfull things about me. The ones that I know are true. The ones that only moms can tell you. Even when you know that they are biased, they always tell you the truth. And to know that someone really thinks all those wonderfull things about you is...ahhh...revitalizing.

I am just feeling a bit discouraged. Incapable. All the things that aren't really true, but you feel anyway because you can't always walk around with smiles on your face when you really feel like crying.

I'll keep waiting for tears to fall...

lagging behind

2004-12-13T19:33:00.000-06:00

I have not had the chance to get pictures up of this weekend, and am now sad. Andrew and Madeline have both done a wonderous job of captivating our Saturday night, which in my book, goes down as one of the most memorable nights since I have been in the great state of Kansas. uh.....yeah.

So, until I catch up, check out Andrew and Melon's sites for some goodness.

--star

Smokin

2004-12-10T20:44:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow night I am going to smoke a cigar, Chicago style!

Well, minus the rooftop, the city skyline and the noise of the subway, but Chicago style none the less!

Richard and Andrew rock my face off.

I am calm

2004-12-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

I worked.

I cleaned my room.

I did laundry.

I filed my paperwork.

I watched CSI with parental set # 4.

I Y.O.U.’d.

I actually responded to way over due emails.

Aaaaahhhhh. Everything is done!

I like these kinds of days.

--Gen

Ahhhhh, REAL deep breaths!

2004-12-08T01:44:00.000-06:00

I feel REEEEEELY good right now.

Maybe it is because I don't have to get up at 4 am anymore. Maybe it is because I get to go home for the holidays. Maybe it is because I have been praying like a mad woman. Maybe it is because I love reading the 5 Year Plan for inspiration. Maybe it is because I love reading quotes by the Guardian on how awesome youth are. Maybe it is because I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. Maybe it is because of the Children of the Sun. Maybe it is because I like being up late, and now I can. Maybe it is because I have been listening to mad amounts of Vauhn Williams. Maybe it is because Dave Matthews Band rocks my face off. Maybe it is because I am on an up right now instead of a down. Maybe it is because I can help Bennie Booch get an ipod. Maybe it is because NEBY is looking like it will happen. Maybe it is because Kersten makes me smile. Maybe it is becuase I got an email from Reedoo. Maybe it is because the sun was out today. Maybe it is because I feel really loved. Maybe it is because I have learned that money doesn't own me. Maybe it is because the future of this community is good. Maybe it is because I like to smile so much. Maybe it is because my BROTHER is so awesome. Maybe it is because I love my mom so much. Maybe it is because I have been eating way to many momma Kathy Christmas cookies. Maybe it is because I love Lucy, my car. Maybe it is because I deserve to feel this good! Maybe it is all of these things packed into one little woman.

Life is fun.

I get to drive 270 to Natural Bridge!

2004-12-05T23:01:00.000-06:00

I am happy, because I have worked it out so that I can go home for Christmas.

This is a much-needed thing. I miss my mom so much. I cannot wait to hug her and hug her.

Also, this means that I will get to see all of my “Crew” as Nelly would call it.

Top Ten things that will RAWK about going “home”.

10) Angela and I will both be home for the holidays.

9) It will be great to go to The Loop and sip a smoothie in the cold after seeing my “Datta Crew” at the King.

8) It will be fun to sneak peaks at my “window crush” Charlie at Sunshine Daydream. (unless he really did move to KC also, and then it will just be my darn luck.)

7) It will be great to see Tony and Jamie’s newlywed pad. They are reeeeely cute! Ouch.

6) It will be fun to see the Carter-Piffs in all their glory and to see Peppy le’ Pew.

5) It will be neat to hear Bennnie say “Hi mom” in our special mom voice.

4) It will be great to go to the Blackberry Café’ with Angela and drink the drinks that Chrissy makes us with so much love. Then we will laugh too loud and people will be annoyed with us, but it will be ok, because we are loving life way to much to give it up. Hmmmm, I wonder of Cook Carey will be home!?

3) It will be neat to go to this one jewelry store with Jack-o and get there WAY before it closes, so that we do not have to shop for jelly bracelets under any sort of pressure.

2) It will be neat to sit on the porch swing with some hot cider and hear the kids say things like, “I’m to good for sleddin! So, you GO sleddin wit yo UGLY self!”

1) It will be neat to give my mom the coolest present of all time! I am so glad that I found it! (ma, if you are reading this, you will NEVER guess what it is in a MILLION years, so don’t even TRY! Love you!)

Aaaaahhhhhh

2004-12-03T22:09:00.000-06:00

The classic Egg Nog Late'.

Yummmmmm

The Brain

2004-12-03T14:35:00.000-06:00

"I have no lid upon my head, but, if I did, you could look inside and see what's on my mind." --Dave Matthews

TRUE DAT BROTHA MAN!

I truely wish that this was true. Communication is a hard thing to do. We are all so complex, and it is virtually impossible to express what one is thinking with out an avalanche of explaination in tangent form.

As a society, we are guilty of generalization. It is so hard to look at things as independant situations and feelings. What is good for one just might not be good for all. To act or judge someone or something because of its difference from your choice or decision making is dangerous and unfair.

So many times, we get angry at things because of fear. Fear causes all kinds of pain and suffering. Fear causes us to freeze up and avoid growth. To close us off from the rest of the world and its endless possibilities. Fear is also a very natural human emotion and it can rear its ugly head without us realizing it. That is where patience and communication come into play.

Listening to what others are feeling and thinking is such a great form of education. You get to learn about things that you would otherwise never know of. You see things from a completely different view and it can open your world up to a new plain of knowledge. I wish that we could all get a little better at this.
_______________

I went to school today to talk to the Financial Aid office. I hate financial aid. Let me re-phrase. I appreciate financial aid, for without it, I would not be able to afford this long awaited education, but it is a reall pain in the behind. I drove out there in pleanty of time because usually there is a very long line and it takes close to a century to get up to the front. Today, no line. YIPPEEE! So, I walk up to the desk, and hand them the "last" piece of paper they needed from me, only to hear that it will take a week to process this and then we will be able to see where to go from there. Talk about blah.

As of now, my tuition is $2,200.00. How do you like them apples? Yeah. I am a little freaked. I am poor. I am trying to pay off old debts that have me wanting to run for the hills. Everyone wants a piece of my income, and I don't have a big one. Double blah.

But besides that, life is feeling good. It feel like there is some major change in the air. Something that I can't exactly put my finger on, but something good. I have a lot of tests that are very present, but I am ready to work through them.

The test of existence is motion." --Abdu'l-Baha

--Genevieve

Lost in a Sea of Confusion...

2004-12-01T22:28:00.000-06:00

Man.

I have felt the breaking of one too many hearts this week.

It hurts so deep when the people that you care about are crying inside, and you can’t do anything to help them. Especially when you have been down a similar path, and you want to tell them that everything is going to be okay. It will work out in time. But no one wants to hear that. When you are hurting, you are hurting and that is all that you can do.

I know how hard life is. I have made it through some extremely tough times. I have had to deal with a lot in only 26 years of life.

I will never say to anyone that my problems are or were worse then someone else’s problems, but that is just it. We are all faced with tests. Retched ones at that.

It may seem to be a cliché statement to some, but, God never gives us more then we are capable of handling.

I used to hate it when people would say that to me.

What did they know? They weren’t living in my shoes! They weren’t being abused by their stepfather. The man who was supposed to fill the void of the father that took off when he found out that a little girl named Genevieve Madeleine would soon enter the world. Fathers are supposed to protect their daughters. Neither of them did.

What did they know? They weren’t the one whose only break from it all was to drink and drug themselves to ease the pain. Not telling anyone my dark secret for fear of tearing the life away from my blessed mother and baby brother, the only two people I cared about at all. I hid this secret for 20 years so that I could protect them. I had no where to go but down. I fell into a lifestyle that would keep me numb so that I wouldn’t have to feel anything at all.

So, who was anyone to tell me that everything was going to be ok? As far as I knew, I was a joke. A test to see how far someone could go before they broke. I attempted ending it. I tried to give up. I was so done and there was nothing that anyone could do to change that. Life sucked and that was the end.

But that didn’t work. Darkness takes you farther and farther from the light. And the farther you get, the harder it is to recognize the smallest beam of light.

Destructive things come from destructive ways. The only way to change things is to change things.

I have learned that life is shit sometimes, but it is for a reason.

I know now that God loves. He would never give us pain because we deserve it. He would never make us go through pain and suffering because we are a waste of a soul. He wants us to grow and develop. He wants us to be strong. He gives us these tests so that we are prepared for things that will happen down the road. Things we could never see until we are there and are armed and prepared. And at that moment, it all makes sence.

To my darling friends that are drowning in their pain:

You are strong!
You are capable of everything in your life!
You are the light in the dark!

Please, shine!

If nothing else, remember that I love you.

--Gen Gen

Symphony of Brotherhood

2004-11-30T19:45:00.002-06:00

Friends of the East,
And friends of the west,
Join in one embrace!
Winds of change are wafting over the world!
Forming the Symphony of Brotherhood.

Can we deny,
New vision in our eyes?
Like a fire, flaming high!
This is the day for very great things!
We're forming the symphony of Brotherhood.

We don't have to hate
Because we fear one another.
And we don't need to fear
Because we don't know eachother.
The bridges are being built
And the arms are reaching out!

THE TIME IS HERE!
THE TIME IS NOW!

Let your heart
Feel the power
Of peace on earth
Good will for all!

This is the day
For very great things!

WE ARE THE SYMPHONY OF BROTHERHOOD!

--Song lyrics written by Gretchen Hewitt
____________________________________________________
May you be drawn together in friendship and may extraordinary development make brotherhood a reality and truth.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 269)

A Breath...

2004-11-22T17:16:00.000-06:00

…Under the guidance of our Supreme Body, the Universal House of Justice, tremendous opportunities to serve have been created. The sacrifice of the devoted martyrs, teachers, and servants of the Faith has paved the way to bring the curative Message of Bahá’u’lláh to every single soul. We have to arise with devotion and determination and step forward in the arena of teaching. We have to remember the extreme austerity of this time and ponder the words of the Beloved Guardian reflected in “The Advent of Divine Justice”:”The field is indeed so immense, the period so critical, the Cause so great, the workers so few, the time so short, the privilege so priceless, that no follower of the Faith of Baha’u’llah, worthy to bear His name, can afford a moment’s hesitation.” --Hand of the Cause Dr. Varga

( I was emailed this. I don't have many details of where is came from. If I find out more, I will let you know.)

If I fall asleep, I might miss something...

2004-11-17T17:47:00.000-06:00

Wow.

Work, a funeral, a task force meeting…and not enough eat, drink, or sleep.

My darling friend’s mother passed away of Friday. She had been very ill for some time. It was a tough weekend to get through. I wanted to take her pain away. But, I know that would not be possible, nor fair. She needs to grieve. She needs to feel what she is feeling, good and bad.

I love you Afsaneh. More then you could ever smell…
Just think Jello……jello….

Being a Baha’i in this era is such a wonderful challenge. It is so easy to have emotional up’s and down’s. Sometimes, you feel like you can take on the world, and then other times, you feel like your little pea-ish existence is lost in the mattress we call life.

I left the weekend pretty discouraged. I felt frustrated for not knowing more and not knowing how to motivate the others or myself.

I wanted to throw in the towel.

But last night, Andrew and I were working on this power point presentation for the retreat this coming weekend, a fun extra component, and I started to feel so much better! Andrew had given me a copy of the Reflections Document from the NSA. He said that it had re-inspired him and pulled him out of the lake o’ funk, and BOY! He was not joking!

Here I was, sitting in my room when I got home sucked into it like I couldn’t believe! It was full of everything that I needed to hear. I was up until about 1:30. That was not good. I had to wake up for work at 4am. But, strangely enough, I felt fairly rested today! (well, my new not so healthy habit of at least 6 shots of espresso to ease the pain probably helped! Geez.)

It is the best feeling on earth when you re-enter the truth of the matter. We can do what we have been given to do. We are the light bearers, and what a humbling job that is to do. But nothing compares.

This girl is PUMPED! I have taken a sip of what I like to call…..

“SPIRITUAL JOE”

It is a challenge, this Baha’I thang, this Youth On Unity thang, this life thang, this spiritual journey thang, but it is full of incredible experiences and learning opportunities.

And all the light that shines through those million-quadrillion sets of eyes….priceless.

This Task Force has taught me a lot. Andrew, Darajun, Zane, Ben, and Niousha, thank you for your wonderful souls. You all have touched my heart.
P.S. I miss Shmange. I want to BBC it soon. Like next weekend! RAWK! This time, I get to drive!

Keeping the flame,

Genevieve

Trying to keep it going...

2004-11-15T08:15:00.000-06:00

There are times when the loop you get thrown into seems too much to handle. Right now is one of those times. Though, I know that what I am going through is nothing compared to some of my loved ones.

It is very interesting to me how times of turmoil can make the light shine a little brighter.

Keep the light shining..........

What is this SLEEP you speak of?

2004-11-11T22:24:00.000-06:00

I used to not really care that much about sleeping.

"You can sleep when you are dead. For now, do and see all that you can." --William Vahid Pursley

I used to live by this.

Maybe it is the 26 in me. Maybe it is the 5 am shift and the never ending schedule,but...

...DANG! I'm TIRED!

And, can you believe it? I can't sleep. I am sitting here awake.

I want to see the inside of my eyeballs for at least a good day and a half.

Mediocrity: DESTROYED!

2004-11-10T15:41:00.000-06:00

The lamest thing is when you realize how lame you were being. When you have awesome friends that want to physically harm you for being so lame, you soon snap out of it. Geez Louis.

Here are some quotes that have been keeping me going this week after my mini-semi-meltdown:

The question isn't who is going to let me; it is who is going to stop me. --Ayn Rand
___________________

“All greatness of character is dependent on individuality. The man who has no other existence than that which he partakes in common with all around him, will never have any other than an existence of mediocrity” --James Fenimore Cooper

”It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts.” -- Robert H. Schuller
___________________
”You can give in to the failure messages and be a bitter deadbeat of excuses. Or you can choose to be happy and positive and excited about life.” -- A.L. Williams
___________________

ha Ha! That is more like it!

Man. Life is too full of good to focus on the bad. But, sometimes, you have to focus on the bad so that it reminds you of all the good.

--Gen Gen

Sulkey McSulkington

2004-11-07T21:27:00.000-06:00

Someone once said that it is better to do one thing perfectly, then many things in mediocrity.

Mediocrity-a person of second-rate ability or value.

Yeah. It is tough when you realize that is you.

So, now that this has come to my attention, and I have looked backwards, I can only remember being just this. But I never realized this horror until now. Now, I see it from the audience.

I have been cast a fool.

The problem is I love to be creative. I like to live in my imagination. I like to dream and hope that dreams really do come true and then eat gum drops and lollie-pops.

I have recently come to see that while I was growing up, the focus on the arts and not on the academic side of things has come to bite me in the backside. I might be able to sing a song, or do a pirouette, or recite a monologue, but you want me to tell you the square root of anything, and you will most likely get the answer, “A square root? I didn’t know they had a specific shape! I just thought they grew in the ground!” that might not be a joke…

I am beginning to think that I was raised in the clouds...

...In the clouds, you don’t need money! All you have to do is sit around, and draw, and dance, and sing, and paint, and invent things, and laugh, and everyone lives happily ever after. There, in the clouds, you don’t have to know about anything else. And they don’t tell you about anything else. They keep you in euphoria, and then, when you go on a trip out of town into the “Real World” you find out everything is a big HUGE phat lie, and that you are screwed. Then Cloud Land won’t let you back in because you are tainted.

Bah.

I know, I know, pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again. I am just a little sleepy.

I love Joni Mitchell

2004-11-06T22:48:00.000-06:00

"Things that you held high and told yourself were true all start changing as the days come down to you." --Joni Mitchell

A Dream Worth Dreaming...

2004-11-05T13:30:00.000-06:00

Not too long ago, I had a dream about ‘Abdu’l-Bahá. It was the most amazing dream I have ever experienced.

It took place at some sort of Bahá’í gathering. Like a Convention or something. The Bahá’ís that were there were a mixture of Seattle Bahá’ís and St. Louis Bahá’ís.

They kept telling me that ‘Abdu’l-Bahá was going to be there. Of course, I couldn’t comprehend this. I kept questioning them. But they insisted that he would show up, and when he did, I was not supposed to look at him.

I just remember thinking, “Not look at him! Are you serious!? Of course I am going to look at him! This is amazing!”

We all entered this big hall. There was some sort of program that was about to start. I took a seat on the isle.

Just then, a door opened, and a youth aged man and a boy around the age of about 9 entered the room dressed in old Persian clothes. They both had very long black hair. I just remember thinking that they were so beautiful. They were very special. At that moment, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá and four other men walked into the room.

I was awestruck. The interesting thing was that Abdu’l-Bahá was of youthful age. He came down the isle, and as he passed me, I looked up at him. His eyes were so intense. As if everything in the world of existence were there. I had to look away. I couldn’t handle it. He took a seat in the last row.

Then people started getting up and asking him to heal them. He never spoke a word, yet he answered them all with “No.”

The dream abruptly switched and I was standing with two women talking. I felt a hand touch my shoulder and turned around. It was Abdu’l-Bahá. I was stunned. I could only stare. He took his hand and placed it over my eyes to close them. He then touched the right side of my face all over. I received a very sharp, painful feeling on the right side of my forehead. Then it was gone.

I woke up.

I have been trying to make sence of this dream ever since. Surely it must have some kind of significance.
________________________
How often it happens that it sees a dream in the world of sleep, and its signification becomes apparent two years afterwards in corresponding events.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 326)

In the same way, how many times it happens that a question which one cannot solve in the world of wakefulness, is solved in the world of dreams.
(Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 326)

What is this "fun" you speak of?

2004-11-04T11:05:00.000-06:00

Man, oh, man!

I need some fun ‘round here!

I couldn’t sleep last night, like I never can, and I started processing all of the things that I need to do to keep things flowing. Y.O.U. stuff, financial aid, check to make sure my class registration went through, work, pay cell phone bill, call my mom, call my brother, clean my room, do laundry, yadda yadda yadda. And then it hit me…

I AM NOT ANY FUN!!!

Then I corrected myself because it isn’t that I am not fun, it is just that I never make time for anything fun.

Now, let me clarify, I do fun things, but they tend to be “scheduled event” kinds of fun. Like Y.O.U. retreats. Always fun, but planned. Youth Halloween Party, also very fun, but planned. I find teaching children’s classes to be really fun, but, alas, planned. I am like a walking day planner. That is so sad. At least to me. I never used to be this boring.

Now, I am in no way saying that serving the Bahá’í Faith is boring, because I love it, but so much of it is planned.

This realization is surely part of my “new beginning.” It is a challenge for me to get out there and get to know people better and meet new people. It is a challenge for me to find the parts of town that I can call “my spots.” You know, really put myself out there!

My STL homies would be in utter shock (and some of you soon will be after reading this) to hear that Gen is stuck in an “I am boring” rut. It has never been my way. I am the crazy one. The one who always has an adventure up her sleeve. That Gen must be the one napping.

So, my goal for the rest of this week is to have fun. With people. With people that like to have cheap fun, because I still have no money. You don’t have to have money to have fun. Just random fun fun.

What are you all going to do this week that is fun?

...Justice for all

2004-11-03T13:17:00.000-06:00

And among the teachings of His Holiness Bahá'u'lláh is justice and right. Until these are realized on the plane of existence, all things shall be in disorder and remain imperfect. The world of mankind is a world of oppression and cruelty, and a realm of aggression and error.
--Abdu'l-Baha, Baha'i World Faith - Abdu'l-Baha Section, p. 290

The Beginning

2004-11-03T01:18:00.000-06:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I have needed change. I have been known throughout my life as the one who would never stay with one thing for too long.

Many can say that this is a fault. That I need to learn to follow through with things. Make sure that I finnish what I start. They may be right. But I have never been one to need to be put in a bracket and stay there. I like to move. To feel. To see new things, check new perspectives. These things can be accomplished by change.

As time has gone on, I have become more comfortable with small areas of my life having a bit more regularity, but, still, at the root of it all, I want things to be in a constant state of motion.

Maybe it is because beginnings are new and exciting. They always point you somewhere. Beginnings don't become stagnent and lifeless. They are always a challenge. You don't always know what lies ahead. It is a constant adventure. I like adventure.

I have been feeling the need for major change. I have moved. I have started over. Yet, this time, the change is different. I haven't been able to place it. It is constantly on my mind, yet I don't know where to find it or what it is. But something is in the air. Something big is happening.

This is the begining of my change. This is part of a fresh start.

This is me.