Motion

Outie '05!!

2005-01-23T21:02:00.000-06:00

I moved. this spot is vacant.

But I am having a new house warming party, if you want to come!

www.andropolis.org/gen

So, don't come around here no more.

don't.

don't do it.

I want a Sunday kind of love...

2005-01-23T13:09:00.000-06:00

It all started with a wake-up call
from Angie
Hearing the Chicago subway
in the background

Ahhh....

This will be a good day.

Entering the kitchen
with nothing but the need for
Coffee
on my mind

Baby snores from
the Richard
asleep in the family room

Caitie
in her normal paper reading position

The suprise of seeing
Melon
in the basement
when I thought she was gone

Andrew
sleeping
and sleeping
he is still sleeping

The call from
Noah
that ends up with
him on the way over here
RIGHT NOW!!

Melon
On the mission to make sure
we are all well fed on
this glorious morning

A house full of
lovely wonderfull souls

Shayan
and his endless supply of tape

Joni
Starting the soundtrack for this
lovely day.

"Help me, I think I'm falling
In love again..."

Life is going to be good again.

I thank God for this.

I am lucky.
Blessed.

I love my family.
My friends.

small hope

2005-01-22T15:25:00.000-06:00

With misty eyes
I view the world.

With hope
I hold on tight.

With my heart
I find it hard to
Feel.

I can only
Carry on.

Motion.

Lost in a vast sea of confusion

going down, down, down.

How can these weak hands
Ever make a change?

With hope
I hold on tight.

With blessed souls
Surrounding me.

Blessed souls on earth
And circling me from the heavens.

I can feel a indication of light
Shining on my shivered soul.

With hope
I hold on tight.

With hope...

Shmangela

2005-01-20T22:45:00.000-06:00

So, if you look at my "illustrious souls" list, you will see that there is a new addition. One that makes my soul sing and my heart dance with joy!

Angela has a blog.

Now, she will need to familiarize her self with the "ways of the blog" before we see much action, but that should not stop you from visiting her "amongst the tree tops" and giving her your shout out of love. Cuz, you know that you love her. I know that I do.

So, anyway, time for sleep and dreams and thoughts of a time not so far away when I get to be in the same room with Shmangie-face at NEBY! WOOHOO!

--genika

SCORE!!!

2005-01-19T16:38:00.000-06:00

Opportunity Analysis
Math
Human Relations
Marketing
Public Speaking

These things rock.

I started school today.

a-ma-zing!

I am sure to be extremely busy with loads of homework and projects, but boy am I ready!

I knew that I was going to like it, but I had no idea how amazing my classes and my professors would be! It is all starting to make sense now.

I am getting my degree in Business Entrepreneurship so that I can own my own rocking business. I want to do Event planning… but the idea of owning my own coffee shop is what I am really brainstorming right now. I mean, come on. How perfect would that be!! Right up my alley. An interfaith coffee joint called “Spiritual Joe”. If you laugh, you make me cry. Believe in me.

So, anyway, this day has lightened my spirits and made me feel goal oriented and energetic. I already have a couple hours of homework to do, so, I will go do that at Starbucks. The soon to be run out of business Starbucks…

...cuz Gen -to the- Z is takin’ it ova, fool!

ouch.

2005-01-18T17:08:00.000-06:00

The retreat is over.

This brings great relief to my mind.

It was a wonderful time. Amazing to say the least. Yet, I feel as if I wasn’t even there. I feel like it was all one quick blur. I have tried to reflect back on it as a whole, and find that I only have vague pictures in my mind.

I went into it hoping that it would make me temporarily happy. That being surrounded by 45 shiny happy luck star youth would ease my mind. However, it turned out to be harder. I just wanted quiet. Peace. And I am afraid that I was less help then I could have been. I was just plain out of it. I had to fight every minute to keep myself together to keep from bursting into tears.

I am still in another realm. It is hard to keep the motion going when your soul is sick and sad. I am having a difficult time placing my feelings and knowing where to go. What to do. I am having a hard time trying to go along with life while I know that there is a little soul out there that is hurting so. That soul is not given the chance to fly. It doesn’t know real love. Doesn’t know what it is like to be safe and truly taken care of. This is so painful. This little sweet face has plagued my mind.

I don’t really know how to function anymore. I find myself pretending that everything is fine. Pretending that I haven’t witnessed one of the most brutal sides of humanity. But all that I really want to do is cry and hide my face. Forever.

I feel the whaling of the world through every inch of my being.

I wish that I was better at showing my emotions. I used to be better at it. Somewhere along the way, I let it go. Now, I am harder. More reluctant to let myself be vulnerable to others. It is sad when you really just need someone to be there to hold you.

Now, here I am. Expressing all of this on a blog that I know many of my friends will read. Silly. They can read it here, but I can’t express it when I go upstairs into a room filled with lovelies.

I’ll be ok.

Bliggity Blah....with at least part of a happy ending

2005-01-14T13:55:00.000-06:00

So, after the worst experience in my 26 years of exsistence, after the grim reality of the darkness that our world holds in its hot little hands, after being sickened and angered, after a long night plagued with evil dancing ruthlessly through my emotionaly tired mind and not much sleep...

Where do you go? What do you do?

I am functioning in a very cloudy bubble. Dread. The feeling of helplessness. It is vast and unfailing.

My biggest struggle in life is not being able to save the world 'with my own two hands' in a time crunch. Like... right this very minute.

Paralized.

I don't think that I am ever going to be the same person again. In time, this will, God willing, become a positive change. But for now, it is a harsh taste of the underbelly of mankind. Shown to me for what? I haven't figured that out completely yet. Time.

Prayers are a wonderful and powerfull thing.

--Genevieve

PS: I also got fired.

THANK GOD!!!

Peanuts and chocolate

2005-01-11T17:37:00.000-06:00

There is nothing like getting stuff done. There is nothing like getting stuff done with people that you really like. There is nothing like a good consultation that has an amazing outcome. There is nothing better then seeing peoples minds and thoughts meld together into a beautiful picture. There is nothing better then sleeping when it is so desperately needed. There is nothing better then getting time with a good friend. There is nothing better then feeling loved. There is nothing better then being stressed over something that is inspiring. There is nothing better then working hard on something you know will be powerful. There is nothing better then knowing that you get to see 34 amazing souls in 4 days. There is nothing better then knowing that education is right around that corner. There is nothing like knowing you get to go to NEBY fest. There is nothing like a good talk with your momma. There is nothing like good food. There is nothing like good coffee. There is nothing like life.

There is nothing like overcoming tests and seeing the amazing view of the mountains that lie ahead of you. There is nothing like knowing that even though they will be rough, you can accomplish anything.

There is nothing like it. Nothing.

running on coffee and life

2005-01-09T14:06:00.000-06:00

My glasses are crooked.

Besides that, everything is good.

After my nice stay in STL, I came back and dove into making up hours at work. This has been long and boring, but it will be worth it when I get my paycheck.

I made up a new drink today. It is basically an americano with a teeeeny tiiiiiny splash of caramel in it. Now, this goes against many of my personal coffee traditions. I am not a floofy coffee drinker. I am a dark cup o' Joe girl, so for me to floof up my drink is strangest of the strange. It is tasty, and I am most sure that I am not actually the inventor of this concoction, but I will relish in my brilliant idea, none the less. It simply makes it easier to guzzle down faster. Like I really needed that. It is just another one of those vices that, eventually I will have to give up. yeah. I have a coffee problem. But I just love it.

coffee is life. life is coffee.

I have tomorrow off. yeah! Though it will be filled with errands. Still in the process of finalizing my school stuff, and so, it is exciting even when it is tedious and boring.

I am queen of boring. The boring queen.

I almost got hit in the head with an avalanche of ice that fell off the rooftop at work. It would have been serious if I hadn't seen something shiny on the ground and went to look at what it was. Thank god for the Twix wrapper. It just possibly saved my life.

Melon, Andrew, Richard and I are getting together to work on the retreat tonight. That is sure to be the complete opposite of boring.

I am sleepy.

I am content.

caramel americano time.....

Shiney Happy Star Times

2005-01-07T13:37:00.000-06:00

So, I woke up yesterday in STL to snow coming down. I shot up in bed with fiery dread in my eyes! What was I going to do? This weather was testing me. I knew that I would have to take my chances and hit the road before I got stuck there for ever.

I did not hesitate. I immediately jumped into Lucy(through the hatchback because the door locks were frozen shut) and hit the road. I was scarred. What if the roads were icy and dangerous? Was I pushing it? What if I got into an accident? I knew that it was a chance I was going to have to take.

Fortunately, the roads were absolutely fine. I made it back safe and sound.

I ran in, took a shower, and then jumped back into the car and headed Laurence, where Andrew and I would YOU for a quite a few hours. It was, as the title of this post expresses, a Shiney Happy Star Time!!!

We came up with some really great things for the retreat that is happening next weekend here, in Kansas City. (for more details, check out www.youthonunity.org) It is going to be just amazing! And so fun! Oh! Holy Holy HOLY! Yes, it will be a good time. Good. Time. goooodtiiimmmee.

Then, Richard joined us. Now, anyone who knows these two chaps knows that there is no way to avoid out of control laughter. It was fun. I won't go into the details. You will have to come to the retreat to find out. But, man. I just love you boys!

That is all. I am going to work now.

So is Life

2005-01-05T18:13:00.000-06:00

So, today, I was supposed to head back to KC, only to find out that there is a horrid ice storm sweeping the Midwest. It is not safe for me and Lucy to travel. So, I remain safe and comfy in STL until further notice.

This is nice and not so nice at the same time. Though I love it here, and am only surrounded my people who love me and want to laugh and hug continually, there is the urgent need to return to my current place of residence and to my current place of employment. Money needs to be made, and financial aid needs to be locked down, school books need to be bought, and retreats need to be finalized. Only some of this can happen while I am here, and what can be done is only bits and pieces. Patience and trust are definitely virtues.

Now, am going to leap and bound joyfully out the door, and partake in some University City Devotions that will take place at my second STL home, the Carter-Piff residence. Sure to be a completely stellar time. Have I ever told you how much I love that family? Well...Let me tell you! I LOVE THAT FAMILY!

I had a wonderful last few days with my bro, who is now safe and sound back in the town of the Sea. Miss him already. But we had much quality sister brother time and lots of fun with my mom. So, it was worth it. BIG time.

I have had some wonderful time with Laurie also. She has this way of making me feel so capable. That nothing is too big for me to accomplish. I just love her and am so thankful for the legacy that has been given to us.

Ben is great too. Love that booch face so much!

Mark has the best music on the planet. Yeah. I know that I have said that Andrew has the best music on the planet, but Mark might have him beat. (sorry dropple.) Actually, the best thing on earth would be the two of them in a room together with all of their music! Man. I will dream about that.

Anyway, off to say the Fire Tablet!

smooooooch!

Today, it was a good day

2005-01-03T17:11:00.000-06:00

So, Dae Dae and I “Looped” it today. We went to the Smoothie shop for some wheat grass shots. Mmmmm. We also hit up Streetside, where I purchased the new “Gift of Gab” cd. It is a must have. My bro is diggin it too, so that rocks faces. We went to Blueberry Hill for some N/A beverages. BH is one of the “places to be” around here. Not so much at 2 in the afternoon, but still fun times.

We also went to the Blackberry Café, one of my personal staples, for some Americano drinkage. Double mmmmm. I also ate the worlds best Hummus there. Chatted with Chrissy for a while.

Soon, we will be heading over to the C-P cave for some grubbin dinner and family fun. Tony and Jamie will be there, and Ben will show up after having a wonderful few days in CHI for a Ruhi in the Woods reunion. He also got to see Shmange. Jealous to the max.

THEN, Jack-o and my bro and me and possibly Ben are gonna kick it. We are hoping to find something fun and exciting. Possibly the City Museum. That would be bomb.

Last night, Dae and I watched “Napoleon Dynamite”. If you have not seen this movie masterpiece, please run out and do so. It was fantastic! My brother and I could not have found a more perfect movie to experience together. We laughed so h@rd core and are still living in the midst of famed one liners.

Off to partay. Have a good one.

Maddy, I am yours when I get home. My super hero powers will be in full effect, just for you. Love.

Hit the road, Gen

2005-01-02T15:45:00.000-06:00

My hasty late night drive home was nice.

I got home from work at about 10:30ish, and packed my bags for the morning, only realizing the large intake of caffeine at work had doomed me from finding sleep any time soon. So, I marched down to the basement, found my Faddle on the computer, and announced my late night departure. Now, this was almost immediately taken back, because I received one of those Faddle looks that just trys to kill your heart. She is so cute sometimes. Like a little cute…cute…cute little cute-cute. But, I stuck to my guns, and departed shortly after with Lucy, my car.

It is a really free feeling when you are almost the only one on the road. I was listening to my music, and crusin in the dark. The moon was remarkable and the stars, at points, were the brightest I have EVER seen them. It was truly beautiful.

The drive was marvelous. I have realized that I need to sometime soon, purchase a hand held recorder, because, I come up with some good stuff when I am driving. I really do. I surprised myself several times, and of course, by morning, (or 3 this afternoon,) all of the mad genius is gone. Gone. GOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNEEEEE!

I took a lot of the time in reflection. I seem to be a very perplexed person these days. There are certain aspects of my life that I just can’t seem to shed light on. Things this blog will never see. Things, I wonder, will I ever get a true grasp on? Lucky me, they are NOT seriously important to the success of me as a human being, more on the succeeding level of comfort and contentment. But, nonetheless, things that I would hope to have some sort of grasp on later in life. Ram-bl-ing.

But to continue…

I have realized something quite profound in the quest of Gen’s understanding of herself. A large majority of my issues and downers are completely based on others. Meaning, I am always trying to make myself reflect what others want to see me as, or, what I think they want to see me as. Make any sence? This comes from years of trying to make the ugly truths of my life look perfect and pretty and organized. Something that for some crazy reason, I thought I had fixed and under control, but alas, there is still a far and stretching path ahead on this one. So, now that I have come to terms with this, I have to follow through with working on it.

I wish that I were able to be the person that I am to myself. Meaning, I completely get myself. There are very few that get me in the true “me” way. I wish that there were more. Well, I just wish I had more of my friends around me. I am alone a lot. And when I am around some people, I just get this automatic vibe that people are going to be judgmental and won’t dig me, so I just shut off. I hate it when you get that vibe, because sometimes, you are wrong, and you lose a great opportunity to meet someone wonderful. Or you have caused the “half way” relationship that exists more often then not in my life. I need to work on being comfortable within myself and not worrying so much about how people are going to react. I hate it when people around me do it, so how can I do it too, when it is the saddest thing in the world to witness. Hypocrite Gen Represent.

I also wish that I were a super hero. I really do. I wish that my superhero power was to take all the pain away from people and to truly make them happy. With one fatal hug, they would be all better. Of corse I wound need a neat outfit, so that people wouldn’t know that it was me, and a name. I would really need a name…….
Anyway, I am going to go and be with my brother and mom now. Man. Time is so short with them. I hate it. I wish that David was a regular part of my life. I just adore the kid. Just simply adore him. He is the greatest.

I Get to Go Home AGAIN!!!

2004-12-30T14:40:00.000-06:00

Since my brother is a doofus, and decided to collapse his lung, he will be unable to make it here to KC for a visit, so, much to my dismay, I will have to return to STL for a little more brotha time.

JK! Much to my dismay my bootie!

I am thrilled that his lung collapsed, causing me to have to come back there. My trip wasn't long enough the first time. So, it all works out great!

PLUS, maddie is going to come with me! YEAH! ROAD TRIP! Anyone else wanna come? We can make it a PARTY!

ROQUE!!!!!

The Johnson crew returns today. I am happy. It will be great to hear of all they saw and did.

word.

Genevieve

Shmange

2004-12-28T22:07:00.000-06:00

I just got to have a nice long conversation on the phone with Angie. It has been a few weeks since this has taken place, and it was good to catch up with the ol’ broad. She always makes me feel content and a little bit more planted on the ground.

I remember, back in the good ol’ days (like 4 months ago, before it all changed), Angie and I would spend hours and hours sitting on the notorious porch swing talking. Mostly, we talked about God, the Faith, and all the goings on in the world. They, by far, are some of my favorite memories in my life.

So many people have been in my life that have taught me and helped me grow and develop. Heck, everyone I have ever encountered has done this. Nevertheless, there is that special handful of people who,without a doubt, will be in my life forever. Shmange is one of these people.

She once said to me, “There are friends that you get to know, and then there are your soul mates. The ones that you have always known. Then when you come accross them, it is as it always was. No matter how far you move away from them, you always know that they are right there because your souls are connected.”

She was right.

Mwah!

Prayers Needed

2004-12-28T14:15:00.000-06:00

My brother had to go into the hospital in STL today for a minor surgury. He has a collapsed lung. it isn't anything too major, but he needs prayers, none the less.

Traveling with Lucy

2004-12-27T20:08:00.000-06:00

I love to drive. I love it like mad.

Half of the goodness of my trip was the car ride there and back. In my fairly new car, Lucy. It is the perfect time to drink coffee, smoke(yeah, yeah, I know) and listen to music and think. Think a lot.

When I left for St. Louis on Friday, it was internal dialogue of, "Oh my gosh! Get in the car! This is going to be AWESOME! HURRY! Drive safe and have fun, but, HURRY!"

On the way home it was harder. I didn't want to leave. My internal dialogue was a little more like,"Get in the car. I know, just get in the car. You need to go back. Get in the car as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. So, just get in, and get going. GET-IN-THE-CAR!"

I had the classic Gen response to going there. I was happy because of the people that would be around me, and I was simply content about that. But on Friday night, I was driving to my friend Chrissy's house, and the city was beautiful! It was dark, and there were lights everywhere. It felt very alive and fresh and moving. I was struck by this sense of love for a place that I at one time couldn't wait to get out of. But like Joni said, "you don't know what you got til it's gone." She is such a smart woman. I am never happy where I am. Someday, that will hopefully change.

I forgot about how neat the culture is there. It is a big melting pot of style, ethnicity, thought, art, and beauty. You will never find too much of one thing in one place. That is something that I now appreciate. It is pretty standard here, in KC. There isn't much diversity in any aspect.

But, at the same time, I am glad to be here. Home #3. The trip to home #2 left me energized and rejuvenated. Ready to tackle things that are coming my way, and thankful for all the bounties that God has bestowed upon me. I can't really complain. Life is healthy and good.

My brother is my darling. I am so happy to get some time with him. I only wish that it could be more often. He is my favorite. Absolutely without a doubt my favorite. I lucky sister.

don't forget......Portals to the Divine!

I Love it Here

2004-12-26T14:39:00.000-06:00

It always takes leaving some place to make you see how wonderful it is.

I LOVE ST.L.!

I am back in STL visiting my mom and whoever else I can try get my hands on during my very short stay.

I can finally share this story on here, now that it has happened...

My not so little brother called me about a month ago, and said that he got a ticket to come out here for the Holidays. So, we planned the trip, and didn't tell my mom. We wanted to surprise her. It has been almost 2 years since the 3 of us have been together in the same room, and it has been WONDERFUL! I picked him up from the airport at 2:27 am ( his flight was delayed 3 times, bah!) and we drove back to the house. After discussing the fact that mom might freak out if she woke up and went downstairs, only to see some random body sleeping on the couch, and to avoid any trip to the hospital with either mom in the middle of a stroke, or David with injuries that would only come to and individual who was trying to rob a house, we decided to wake her up when we got home. It was around 3:30 a.m. when we got to the house, so, I quietly went up and woke her. I said that I had a present for her, but that she needed to come down stairs to get it. She thought that I was crazy, but agreed. The look on her sweet little sleepy eyed face when she saw my brother was enough to make the angels sing!

It was priceless!

Christmas day followed with great perfection. We all slept until around 2. It was nice. I haven't slept that long in forever. Well, it wasn't really that long saying that I got to bed around 4:30 or 5 in the morning, but still. It was nice. We got up, drank coffee, visited, hugged a lot and then we went and had a big huge dinner at the Carter-Piffs. It was wonderful. Ben, Tony and Jamie who are newlyweds and so cute it makes you deliciously ill, Chrissy, Mark, mom, David, and me. We ate, laughed, drank more coffee, and just had a wonderful time! Then ma, dae, chrissy and I went and watched a movie. Nice simple day. Full of love and family. Perfection. I tell you. Per-fec-tion.

Today consisted of waking up to Jamie jumping on my bed. I didn't know I had slept so long. The Carter-Piff clan came over and we ate the traditional post Holy Day breakfast. Sweedish Pancakes, coffee and love. So yummy!

Tonight, we are going to go have dessert at Tony and Jamies appartment and then I am going to go to a fundraiser movie night at one of the local's homes. The community is helping to raise money for a Jamaican Baha'i that is here. He is going to go back and re-vamp the Baha'i television channel with more updated info and material. I can't wait to learn more about it. AND it is going to be great to see a bunch of STL peeps, since none of them even know that I am here. It will be like a little suprise! "Hey! It's me, Gen, and I brought the chips!"

Besides that, I am soooooooo well. I feel rejuvenated, ready and excited about this new life that am creating.

Much love to you all. I will post pictures soon. There are many pictures that you will all have to see! They are lovely and funny and strange. Like my Opera singing mom smoking a cigarette.......wierd.

Loves, Gene

Awestruck and so in Love

2004-12-23T18:24:00.000-06:00

Man.. I was really excited to have this time on my own while the Johnson's were in the Holy Land. Of course, I love them, and it is strange to be in their house without them, but to have my own space. To wrap myself up in myself. In my head. In my way. It has been wonderful.

I am awestruck. I just read Lacy's blog. She has just returned home from Haifa, and she has beautiful pictures and beautiful words to share. I find it so interesting. Everyone that I have had the blessing of talking to after their return home has reacted the same. No one can put it into clear words. But at the same time, they don't need to for the power of their experience to come through. For them to be left speachless, to see the passion and love and joy written on their faces, to feel the energy that exudes from their soul, to feel the "re-birth" of sorts, that is enough.

Tomorrow, I am driving to St. Louis. I am so happy! I will get to snuggle with my mom. Drink "Piff" coffee with my spiritual family, see my oh so loved friends, and more. I can't imagine how I will feel after that. I just know that it will be pretty darn snappy and special.

I am so in love with the Baha'i Faith. I can not imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't been given this precious gem. My blessings are endless, and the life that I have been given is beautiful.

Ya Baha'u''llah pa!

Everytime I feel like I am losing grasp, that I have no clue what I am here for, what I am supposed to do, I get confirmation. And I know that I am being guided along my way.

Portals to the Divine

Love.

Spiritual Joe

2004-12-22T16:47:00.000-06:00

The Johnson's finally got out of Jersey on Sunday night at midnight and told me they would email me when they got settled in. I still haven't heard anything.

Though there is this part of me that is worried and needs the email to give a sense of closure to their travel drama, I feel in my gut that they are there and that they are fine.

The last two days have been uncanny in the positivity that has encompassed my whole being. I have been in an amazingly positive, spiritual, happy, content mood and have been surrounded by people who are loving and happy and excited about being alive.

I have been able to shared my coffee knowledge with some amazing customers who have said that I have inspired them to learn more about it and to explore the depths of the coffee addiction that has spread like wildfire across the country, and is only now becoming a natural morning indulgence to so manyaround here. At least around the location of my store. We are smack dab in the middle of a warehouse district, so a "floofy" Late' or Mocha, is a foreign concept to many who just want their QT cup filled with good ol' Joe. At the beginning, they came in asking for French Vannilla late's that came out of a MACHINE! What! That is BLASPHEMY! After arguing with them over the price of a REAL and AUTHENTIC Vanilla Late', some of the dudes are starting to come around. I have regulars. I knew that working for "the company" (cough, starbucks,cough) would come in handy. I am known as the official, "Coffee Snob", a term of endearment created by on of the warehouse guys named Butch. I know. It is so great. So straight out of a movie. Buch, otherwise known as, 24oz. Raspberry Mocha guy, comes in everymorning with a big ol smile, and this morning, chocolates, for the coffee snob. It makes you want to sigh and smile. *Sigh, and a smile*

Besides that, everywhere that I have gone (that is pretty much straight to work and back to the house with one venture to the Blockbuster to get a movie that didn't work...) people have commented on how nice it is to see someone smiling, saying thank you, being patient, making them feel like someone is happy to see them. I found this to be very refreshing. This is the way I like to be. It remined me that when you are happy, you make others happy. It is pretty simple.

I know that much of it has to do with that fact that I have been deepening a lot in the Faith and praying like crazy. I have been playing my guitar,and I even played the piano, which hasn't really happened in 6 months or so. Not that I really know how to play the piano, but I know enough to improve some good minor chords, and to make moody earnest sounds. I am feeling my creative side more and more.

With all of this happening at close to the same time as the Johnson's arrival in the Holy Land, I can't help but feel like their vibe is reaching me. Maybe they are praying for me. I don't know. But what ever it is, it is incredible.

"Were it not for the cold, how would the heat of Thy words prevail, oh Expounder of the worlds? -- Baha'u'llah, The Fire Tablet

Side Note...

2004-12-20T22:10:00.000-06:00

I am always coming across quotes from the Baha'i Faith that are very beautiful and inspiring, so, I started a second blog that is dedicated purely to sharing these breathtaking quotes with you.

You can find the link at the bottom of the column on the right. It is called Portals to the Divine.

I hope that you check it out whenever you check out my ramblings.

Life feels real right now. As real as it can feel.

A Mountain is a Really Big Hill

2004-12-20T01:22:00.000-06:00

Let's talk about mountains.

You start climbing one, you toil, you sweat, you finally reach the top, and what do you get? Well, along with a sense of accomplishment, of peace, of a job well done, along with the satisfaction of doing what you set out to do...You get a great view of the next mountain. Looming. Challenging. Calling your name.

But wait! Don't feel like you have to take on that next mountain yet. Let's dwell on this one for a while. Lay there with your hands stretched out behind your head. Watch the clouds running across the sky and tell yourself you're on top of the world because in a sense you are. Just be for now, for you.

This walk never ends, you know. There's always another mountain. That's what makes life thrilling and you breathless.

There are days, there are times when you feel like you've walked so far, when the voice inside you is complaining that it's all uphill, that it always will be. And then, after all that, way beyond your blue horizon, you see the biggest mountains you've ever seen, and you think, "I can't do that."

Well, I hope that you always have somebody who tells you that you can. Like I'm telling you know.

Send in the Clowns

2004-12-19T02:24:00.000-06:00

It is sad when you realize that all of your dreams, all of the ones that you have dreamed of your whole life, have been lost in a dumpster somewhere in the mid-states.

I have realized many things in the last few months that have been very harsh. Reality checks are horrid.

My vice-principal in High School signed me out of almost all of my math and science credits so that I could take more music and drama. You see, at that time, I was sure to be famous. I was going to be the one to “go far.”

So much for that.

I have been reflecting on the life that my mom gave me. The amazing life that many could only wish for. I had an amazing and eclectic upbringing. She is an Opera singer. I grew up back stage. A “curtain kid” as I like to call it. We grew up going to her rehearsals, shows, cast parties, hearing people singing and laughing and acting off stage. I grew up participating in community theater and regular dance performances. I loved it. I have been formed by this more then I have let myself realize.

I was brought up around SO much culture. Music. All kinds of music. I got to be around artists. Some of my mom’s closest friends were, and are, amazing painters and sculptors. Dance. Classically trained and at a good school. But, the thing that saddens me, is that my life was swept away in the turmoil, and I lost it all. I haven’t seen or done any of these things in years. I have lost everything that formed me. I know nothing about any of these marvelous things.

Along with feeling like I have no solid ground, I also feel like I am running out of time. I am nothing but creative, yet, I have no outlet. I have none of the things that make me thrive.

I need a big empty dance studio for a day. Just the studio, my old ballet shoes, and me. And some Copeland and Bernstein.

I need a stage. A big HUGE stage. With no one in the theater but a spotlight and me.

I want to sing jazz in a smokey club with a band.

I want, but I do not have, and I don’t know how to have it. I am scarred.

I have sad regret. I hate that. I hate regret. I do not even really believe in it, but I feel it deep within my soul.

Someday, I’m gonna be somebody.

The time has come

2004-12-16T22:11:00.000-06:00

As many of you know, our beloved friends, the Johnson's, are leaving for their Baha'i Pilgrimage on Saturday.

To Mark, Kathy, Andrew, Catie, and Madeline, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are going to have such a wonderful experience, and I can only imagine what personal growth this trip will mean for you all together as a family and individually. Beautiful. Praises!

While they are gone, and there is no one in the house but me, Fluffy, and the mouse that isn't there behind the fridge, I plan to be very......Genevieve. Just me, some books, a guitar, some paint, a voice, a piano, and possibly some dancing, though I haven't placed which room will be the most effective for such acts. Signs are pointing to the kitchen. ha ha. We shall see. Or should I say, Fluffy shall see. Good thing she doesn't speak human. whew!

Ok, so, yeah. I am going to bring out all that I know is in me. All the things that I tend to hide and ignore for various reasons. It is funny. I have been seeing in myself lately, that all the things that I tend to hide from are the things that are the most ingrained in my soul. They are the things that I have known about since probably the day I was brought into this crazy world. And yet, I know absolutely nothing about any of them. I think it is time to ignite a fire. A fire of expression and passion and joy.

I am cleansing my soul. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to deepen myself in the Faith that holds my soul together.

I am going to be me.

It will all be worth it

2004-12-15T16:50:00.000-06:00

I am working a 14 hour shift today.

Why you ask? Because there was a need for it, and I need the funds.

It will all be worth it next week. Not now, but next week.

Back to the no sleep thing. Ahhhh. The wierd thing is that I kind of like it.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. It really made me feel better.

--G to the E to the N