ouch.
The retreat is over.
This brings great relief to my mind.
It was a wonderful time. Amazing to say the least. Yet, I feel as if I wasn’t even there. I feel like it was all one quick blur. I have tried to reflect back on it as a whole, and find that I only have vague pictures in my mind.
I went into it hoping that it would make me temporarily happy. That being surrounded by 45 shiny happy luck star youth would ease my mind. However, it turned out to be harder. I just wanted quiet. Peace. And I am afraid that I was less help then I could have been. I was just plain out of it. I had to fight every minute to keep myself together to keep from bursting into tears.
I am still in another realm. It is hard to keep the motion going when your soul is sick and sad. I am having a difficult time placing my feelings and knowing where to go. What to do. I am having a hard time trying to go along with life while I know that there is a little soul out there that is hurting so. That soul is not given the chance to fly. It doesn’t know real love. Doesn’t know what it is like to be safe and truly taken care of. This is so painful. This little sweet face has plagued my mind.
I don’t really know how to function anymore. I find myself pretending that everything is fine. Pretending that I haven’t witnessed one of the most brutal sides of humanity. But all that I really want to do is cry and hide my face. Forever.
I feel the whaling of the world through every inch of my being.
I wish that I was better at showing my emotions. I used to be better at it. Somewhere along the way, I let it go. Now, I am harder. More reluctant to let myself be vulnerable to others. It is sad when you really just need someone to be there to hold you.
Now, here I am. Expressing all of this on a blog that I know many of my friends will read. Silly. They can read it here, but I can’t express it when I go upstairs into a room filled with lovelies.
I’ll be ok.
This brings great relief to my mind.
It was a wonderful time. Amazing to say the least. Yet, I feel as if I wasn’t even there. I feel like it was all one quick blur. I have tried to reflect back on it as a whole, and find that I only have vague pictures in my mind.
I went into it hoping that it would make me temporarily happy. That being surrounded by 45 shiny happy luck star youth would ease my mind. However, it turned out to be harder. I just wanted quiet. Peace. And I am afraid that I was less help then I could have been. I was just plain out of it. I had to fight every minute to keep myself together to keep from bursting into tears.
I am still in another realm. It is hard to keep the motion going when your soul is sick and sad. I am having a difficult time placing my feelings and knowing where to go. What to do. I am having a hard time trying to go along with life while I know that there is a little soul out there that is hurting so. That soul is not given the chance to fly. It doesn’t know real love. Doesn’t know what it is like to be safe and truly taken care of. This is so painful. This little sweet face has plagued my mind.
I don’t really know how to function anymore. I find myself pretending that everything is fine. Pretending that I haven’t witnessed one of the most brutal sides of humanity. But all that I really want to do is cry and hide my face. Forever.
I feel the whaling of the world through every inch of my being.
I wish that I was better at showing my emotions. I used to be better at it. Somewhere along the way, I let it go. Now, I am harder. More reluctant to let myself be vulnerable to others. It is sad when you really just need someone to be there to hold you.
Now, here I am. Expressing all of this on a blog that I know many of my friends will read. Silly. They can read it here, but I can’t express it when I go upstairs into a room filled with lovelies.
I’ll be ok.
posted by Genevieve at 5:08 PM
2 Comments:
Oh honey.
I want to find the words to ease your heart, I want to find them so terribly bad.
Sometimes your soul has to hurt. And it sucks. Then things get better. Things always get better.
That sweet soul - that little face - whoever that is is being cared for better now. How? Because you have kept them in your thoughts, and you have written about their pain here. You have shared them with the most loving, caring people in the world and now they are being thought about and prayed for. That won't change what happened, but know that God is watching out for them with a special eye now.
And the same goes for you. You are in my prayers.
I love you, joon.
i'll admit i don't really know the bahai kids (slang for youth, not condescending) as well as i did in my days of opening up more, no one in my youth group back in the day is even in 'youth on unity' except for richard, and it's a bit weird. i've been noticing how lots of youth seem really open on the blogs and not so open when they're in the group. I find it strangely puzzling, yet i am myself a victim of this. Are we afraid of not finding support? Are we so caught up in the love that we don't want to slip our problems into it? Thoughts on this would rock...
~lau
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