I Get to Go Home AGAIN!!!

Since my brother is a doofus, and decided to collapse his lung, he will be unable to make it here to KC for a visit, so, much to my dismay, I will have to return to STL for a little more brotha time.

JK! Much to my dismay my bootie!

I am thrilled that his lung collapsed, causing me to have to come back there. My trip wasn't long enough the first time. So, it all works out great!

PLUS, maddie is going to come with me! YEAH! ROAD TRIP! Anyone else wanna come? We can make it a PARTY!

ROQUE!!!!!

The Johnson crew returns today. I am happy. It will be great to hear of all they saw and did.

word.

Genevieve

Shmange

I just got to have a nice long conversation on the phone with Angie. It has been a few weeks since this has taken place, and it was good to catch up with the ol’ broad. She always makes me feel content and a little bit more planted on the ground.

I remember, back in the good ol’ days (like 4 months ago, before it all changed), Angie and I would spend hours and hours sitting on the notorious porch swing talking. Mostly, we talked about God, the Faith, and all the goings on in the world. They, by far, are some of my favorite memories in my life.

So many people have been in my life that have taught me and helped me grow and develop. Heck, everyone I have ever encountered has done this. Nevertheless, there is that special handful of people who,without a doubt, will be in my life forever. Shmange is one of these people.

She once said to me, “There are friends that you get to know, and then there are your soul mates. The ones that you have always known. Then when you come accross them, it is as it always was. No matter how far you move away from them, you always know that they are right there because your souls are connected.”

She was right.

Mwah!

Prayers Needed

My brother had to go into the hospital in STL today for a minor surgury. He has a collapsed lung. it isn't anything too major, but he needs prayers, none the less.

Traveling with Lucy

I love to drive. I love it like mad.

Half of the goodness of my trip was the car ride there and back. In my fairly new car, Lucy. It is the perfect time to drink coffee, smoke(yeah, yeah, I know) and listen to music and think. Think a lot.

When I left for St. Louis on Friday, it was internal dialogue of, "Oh my gosh! Get in the car! This is going to be AWESOME! HURRY! Drive safe and have fun, but, HURRY!"

On the way home it was harder. I didn't want to leave. My internal dialogue was a little more like,"Get in the car. I know, just get in the car. You need to go back. Get in the car as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. So, just get in, and get going. GET-IN-THE-CAR!"

I had the classic Gen response to going there. I was happy because of the people that would be around me, and I was simply content about that. But on Friday night, I was driving to my friend Chrissy's house, and the city was beautiful! It was dark, and there were lights everywhere. It felt very alive and fresh and moving. I was struck by this sense of love for a place that I at one time couldn't wait to get out of. But like Joni said, "you don't know what you got til it's gone." She is such a smart woman. I am never happy where I am. Someday, that will hopefully change.

I forgot about how neat the culture is there. It is a big melting pot of style, ethnicity, thought, art, and beauty. You will never find too much of one thing in one place. That is something that I now appreciate. It is pretty standard here, in KC. There isn't much diversity in any aspect.

But, at the same time, I am glad to be here. Home #3. The trip to home #2 left me energized and rejuvenated. Ready to tackle things that are coming my way, and thankful for all the bounties that God has bestowed upon me. I can't really complain. Life is healthy and good.

My brother is my darling. I am so happy to get some time with him. I only wish that it could be more often. He is my favorite. Absolutely without a doubt my favorite. I lucky sister.

don't forget......Portals to the Divine!

I Love it Here

It always takes leaving some place to make you see how wonderful it is.

I LOVE ST.L.!

I am back in STL visiting my mom and whoever else I can try get my hands on during my very short stay.

I can finally share this story on here, now that it has happened...

My not so little brother called me about a month ago, and said that he got a ticket to come out here for the Holidays. So, we planned the trip, and didn't tell my mom. We wanted to surprise her. It has been almost 2 years since the 3 of us have been together in the same room, and it has been WONDERFUL! I picked him up from the airport at 2:27 am ( his flight was delayed 3 times, bah!) and we drove back to the house. After discussing the fact that mom might freak out if she woke up and went downstairs, only to see some random body sleeping on the couch, and to avoid any trip to the hospital with either mom in the middle of a stroke, or David with injuries that would only come to and individual who was trying to rob a house, we decided to wake her up when we got home. It was around 3:30 a.m. when we got to the house, so, I quietly went up and woke her. I said that I had a present for her, but that she needed to come down stairs to get it. She thought that I was crazy, but agreed. The look on her sweet little sleepy eyed face when she saw my brother was enough to make the angels sing!

It was priceless!

Christmas day followed with great perfection. We all slept until around 2. It was nice. I haven't slept that long in forever. Well, it wasn't really that long saying that I got to bed around 4:30 or 5 in the morning, but still. It was nice. We got up, drank coffee, visited, hugged a lot and then we went and had a big huge dinner at the Carter-Piffs. It was wonderful. Ben, Tony and Jamie who are newlyweds and so cute it makes you deliciously ill, Chrissy, Mark, mom, David, and me. We ate, laughed, drank more coffee, and just had a wonderful time! Then ma, dae, chrissy and I went and watched a movie. Nice simple day. Full of love and family. Perfection. I tell you. Per-fec-tion.

Today consisted of waking up to Jamie jumping on my bed. I didn't know I had slept so long. The Carter-Piff clan came over and we ate the traditional post Holy Day breakfast. Sweedish Pancakes, coffee and love. So yummy!

Tonight, we are going to go have dessert at Tony and Jamies appartment and then I am going to go to a fundraiser movie night at one of the local's homes. The community is helping to raise money for a Jamaican Baha'i that is here. He is going to go back and re-vamp the Baha'i television channel with more updated info and material. I can't wait to learn more about it. AND it is going to be great to see a bunch of STL peeps, since none of them even know that I am here. It will be like a little suprise! "Hey! It's me, Gen, and I brought the chips!"

Besides that, I am soooooooo well. I feel rejuvenated, ready and excited about this new life that am creating.

Much love to you all. I will post pictures soon. There are many pictures that you will all have to see! They are lovely and funny and strange. Like my Opera singing mom smoking a cigarette.......wierd.

Loves, Gene

Awestruck and so in Love

Man.. I was really excited to have this time on my own while the Johnson's were in the Holy Land. Of course, I love them, and it is strange to be in their house without them, but to have my own space. To wrap myself up in myself. In my head. In my way. It has been wonderful.

I am awestruck. I just read Lacy's blog. She has just returned home from Haifa, and she has beautiful pictures and beautiful words to share. I find it so interesting. Everyone that I have had the blessing of talking to after their return home has reacted the same. No one can put it into clear words. But at the same time, they don't need to for the power of their experience to come through. For them to be left speachless, to see the passion and love and joy written on their faces, to feel the energy that exudes from their soul, to feel the "re-birth" of sorts, that is enough.

Tomorrow, I am driving to St. Louis. I am so happy! I will get to snuggle with my mom. Drink "Piff" coffee with my spiritual family, see my oh so loved friends, and more. I can't imagine how I will feel after that. I just know that it will be pretty darn snappy and special.

I am so in love with the Baha'i Faith. I can not imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't been given this precious gem. My blessings are endless, and the life that I have been given is beautiful.

Ya Baha'u''llah pa!

Everytime I feel like I am losing grasp, that I have no clue what I am here for, what I am supposed to do, I get confirmation. And I know that I am being guided along my way.

Portals to the Divine

Love.

Spiritual Joe

The Johnson's finally got out of Jersey on Sunday night at midnight and told me they would email me when they got settled in. I still haven't heard anything.

Though there is this part of me that is worried and needs the email to give a sense of closure to their travel drama, I feel in my gut that they are there and that they are fine.

The last two days have been uncanny in the positivity that has encompassed my whole being. I have been in an amazingly positive, spiritual, happy, content mood and have been surrounded by people who are loving and happy and excited about being alive.

I have been able to shared my coffee knowledge with some amazing customers who have said that I have inspired them to learn more about it and to explore the depths of the coffee addiction that has spread like wildfire across the country, and is only now becoming a natural morning indulgence to so manyaround here. At least around the location of my store. We are smack dab in the middle of a warehouse district, so a "floofy" Late' or Mocha, is a foreign concept to many who just want their QT cup filled with good ol' Joe. At the beginning, they came in asking for French Vannilla late's that came out of a MACHINE! What! That is BLASPHEMY! After arguing with them over the price of a REAL and AUTHENTIC Vanilla Late', some of the dudes are starting to come around. I have regulars. I knew that working for "the company" (cough, starbucks,cough) would come in handy. I am known as the official, "Coffee Snob", a term of endearment created by on of the warehouse guys named Butch. I know. It is so great. So straight out of a movie. Buch, otherwise known as, 24oz. Raspberry Mocha guy, comes in everymorning with a big ol smile, and this morning, chocolates, for the coffee snob. It makes you want to sigh and smile. *Sigh, and a smile*

Besides that, everywhere that I have gone (that is pretty much straight to work and back to the house with one venture to the Blockbuster to get a movie that didn't work...) people have commented on how nice it is to see someone smiling, saying thank you, being patient, making them feel like someone is happy to see them. I found this to be very refreshing. This is the way I like to be. It remined me that when you are happy, you make others happy. It is pretty simple.

I know that much of it has to do with that fact that I have been deepening a lot in the Faith and praying like crazy. I have been playing my guitar,and I even played the piano, which hasn't really happened in 6 months or so. Not that I really know how to play the piano, but I know enough to improve some good minor chords, and to make moody earnest sounds. I am feeling my creative side more and more.

With all of this happening at close to the same time as the Johnson's arrival in the Holy Land, I can't help but feel like their vibe is reaching me. Maybe they are praying for me. I don't know. But what ever it is, it is incredible.

"Were it not for the cold, how would the heat of Thy words prevail, oh Expounder of the worlds? -- Baha'u'llah, The Fire Tablet

Side Note...

I am always coming across quotes from the Baha'i Faith that are very beautiful and inspiring, so, I started a second blog that is dedicated purely to sharing these breathtaking quotes with you.

You can find the link at the bottom of the column on the right. It is called Portals to the Divine.

I hope that you check it out whenever you check out my ramblings.

Life feels real right now. As real as it can feel.

A Mountain is a Really Big Hill

Let's talk about mountains.

You start climbing one, you toil, you sweat, you finally reach the top, and what do you get? Well, along with a sense of accomplishment, of peace, of a job well done, along with the satisfaction of doing what you set out to do...You get a great view of the next mountain. Looming. Challenging. Calling your name.

But wait! Don't feel like you have to take on that next mountain yet. Let's dwell on this one for a while. Lay there with your hands stretched out behind your head. Watch the clouds running across the sky and tell yourself you're on top of the world because in a sense you are. Just be for now, for you.

This walk never ends, you know. There's always another mountain. That's what makes life thrilling and you breathless.

There are days, there are times when you feel like you've walked so far, when the voice inside you is complaining that it's all uphill, that it always will be. And then, after all that, way beyond your blue horizon, you see the biggest mountains you've ever seen, and you think, "I can't do that."

Well, I hope that you always have somebody who tells you that you can. Like I'm telling you know.

Send in the Clowns

It is sad when you realize that all of your dreams, all of the ones that you have dreamed of your whole life, have been lost in a dumpster somewhere in the mid-states.

I have realized many things in the last few months that have been very harsh. Reality checks are horrid.

My vice-principal in High School signed me out of almost all of my math and science credits so that I could take more music and drama. You see, at that time, I was sure to be famous. I was going to be the one to “go far.”

So much for that.

I have been reflecting on the life that my mom gave me. The amazing life that many could only wish for. I had an amazing and eclectic upbringing. She is an Opera singer. I grew up back stage. A “curtain kid” as I like to call it. We grew up going to her rehearsals, shows, cast parties, hearing people singing and laughing and acting off stage. I grew up participating in community theater and regular dance performances. I loved it. I have been formed by this more then I have let myself realize.

I was brought up around SO much culture. Music. All kinds of music. I got to be around artists. Some of my mom’s closest friends were, and are, amazing painters and sculptors. Dance. Classically trained and at a good school. But, the thing that saddens me, is that my life was swept away in the turmoil, and I lost it all. I haven’t seen or done any of these things in years. I have lost everything that formed me. I know nothing about any of these marvelous things.

Along with feeling like I have no solid ground, I also feel like I am running out of time. I am nothing but creative, yet, I have no outlet. I have none of the things that make me thrive.

I need a big empty dance studio for a day. Just the studio, my old ballet shoes, and me. And some Copeland and Bernstein.

I need a stage. A big HUGE stage. With no one in the theater but a spotlight and me.

I want to sing jazz in a smokey club with a band.

I want, but I do not have, and I don’t know how to have it. I am scarred.

I have sad regret. I hate that. I hate regret. I do not even really believe in it, but I feel it deep within my soul.

Someday, I’m gonna be somebody.

The time has come

As many of you know, our beloved friends, the Johnson's, are leaving for their Baha'i Pilgrimage on Saturday.

To Mark, Kathy, Andrew, Catie, and Madeline, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are going to have such a wonderful experience, and I can only imagine what personal growth this trip will mean for you all together as a family and individually. Beautiful. Praises!

While they are gone, and there is no one in the house but me, Fluffy, and the mouse that isn't there behind the fridge, I plan to be very......Genevieve. Just me, some books, a guitar, some paint, a voice, a piano, and possibly some dancing, though I haven't placed which room will be the most effective for such acts. Signs are pointing to the kitchen. ha ha. We shall see. Or should I say, Fluffy shall see. Good thing she doesn't speak human. whew!

Ok, so, yeah. I am going to bring out all that I know is in me. All the things that I tend to hide and ignore for various reasons. It is funny. I have been seeing in myself lately, that all the things that I tend to hide from are the things that are the most ingrained in my soul. They are the things that I have known about since probably the day I was brought into this crazy world. And yet, I know absolutely nothing about any of them. I think it is time to ignite a fire. A fire of expression and passion and joy.

I am cleansing my soul. I am going to take care of myself. I am going to deepen myself in the Faith that holds my soul together.

I am going to be me.

It will all be worth it

I am working a 14 hour shift today.

Why you ask? Because there was a need for it, and I need the funds.

It will all be worth it next week. Not now, but next week.

Back to the no sleep thing. Ahhhh. The wierd thing is that I kind of like it.

Thank you again for all of your kind words. It really made me feel better.

--G to the E to the N

Trying to figure me out? I am.

It is a very different experience when you move multiple times in less then 2 years. Especially when you stayed in one place for so long. It has come to my attention, that part of my anxiety in life is not feeling grounded. I feel like I never have a place of my own. I miss that. I have been so blessed with the people that have come to be my support, but I can't help but have this heavy sence of burden all the time. I mean, they so graciously welcome me into their lives, only to realize that I am a 26 year old no one who can't balance a check book for more then a week without screwing it up. That my future may not be realistic, and that I am air-headed and flighty.

I miss, the one place that would be the worst place for me to be, more then anything. I crave the smell of sea air. Of pink and blue painted skys behind towering mountains. The sound of the train. The rain. Having a national park as my backyard. I miss the beauty and chaos of urban life. REAL urban life. Of numerous coffee shops around every corner with smokey jazz billowing out every nook and cranny. I miss my soul connections to my friends to whom I can no longer seem to connect to anymore.

Seattle has become a dream from long ago. Something that may not be real. I have chosen to forget the horrid darkness that is also embedded there for me. But, when I am asked, "If you miss it so much, why don't you go back?" I almost shiver.

I am now on a long journey. I didn't expect that when I got on the road. I expected everything to be fixed and final. I knew pain would be involved, I knew that things would be hard and stressfull, but I must have thought that there would be an end, not a continuum of new tests and new experiences that I might not have the answers to. I didn't realize that the "school of life" wouldn't be enough. (I took AP classes in that school.) I didn't realize that people wouldn't understand that what I have accomplished in a very short amount of time IS worth something. I forgot that people run when you bring up that fact that you have been through stuff that "people just don't talk about". Oops. MY bad.

There is this part of me that wants to run back to my mom. She will always be the one to calm me down in any given situation. Big and small. To always unconditionally love me. She always tells me all the wonderfull things about me. The ones that I know are true. The ones that only moms can tell you. Even when you know that they are biased, they always tell you the truth. And to know that someone really thinks all those wonderfull things about you is...ahhh...revitalizing.

I am just feeling a bit discouraged. Incapable. All the things that aren't really true, but you feel anyway because you can't always walk around with smiles on your face when you really feel like crying.

I'll keep waiting for tears to fall...

lagging behind

I have not had the chance to get pictures up of this weekend, and am now sad. Andrew and Madeline have both done a wonderous job of captivating our Saturday night, which in my book, goes down as one of the most memorable nights since I have been in the great state of Kansas. uh.....yeah.

So, until I catch up, check out Andrew and Melon's sites for some goodness.

--star

Smokin

Tomorrow night I am going to smoke a cigar, Chicago style!

Well, minus the rooftop, the city skyline and the noise of the subway, but Chicago style none the less!

Richard and Andrew rock my face off.

I am calm

I worked.

I cleaned my room.

I did laundry.

I filed my paperwork.

I watched CSI with parental set # 4.

I Y.O.U.’d.

I actually responded to way over due emails.

Aaaaahhhhh. Everything is done!

I like these kinds of days.

--Gen

Ahhhhh, REAL deep breaths!

I feel REEEEEELY good right now.

Maybe it is because I don't have to get up at 4 am anymore. Maybe it is because I get to go home for the holidays. Maybe it is because I have been praying like a mad woman. Maybe it is because I love reading the 5 Year Plan for inspiration. Maybe it is because I love reading quotes by the Guardian on how awesome youth are. Maybe it is because I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world. Maybe it is because of the Children of the Sun. Maybe it is because I like being up late, and now I can. Maybe it is because I have been listening to mad amounts of Vauhn Williams. Maybe it is because Dave Matthews Band rocks my face off. Maybe it is because I am on an up right now instead of a down. Maybe it is because I can help Bennie Booch get an ipod. Maybe it is because NEBY is looking like it will happen. Maybe it is because Kersten makes me smile. Maybe it is becuase I got an email from Reedoo. Maybe it is because the sun was out today. Maybe it is because I feel really loved. Maybe it is because I have learned that money doesn't own me. Maybe it is because the future of this community is good. Maybe it is because I like to smile so much. Maybe it is because my BROTHER is so awesome. Maybe it is because I love my mom so much. Maybe it is because I have been eating way to many momma Kathy Christmas cookies. Maybe it is because I love Lucy, my car. Maybe it is because I deserve to feel this good! Maybe it is all of these things packed into one little woman.

Life is fun.

I get to drive 270 to Natural Bridge!

I am happy, because I have worked it out so that I can go home for Christmas.

This is a much-needed thing. I miss my mom so much. I cannot wait to hug her and hug her.

Also, this means that I will get to see all of my “Crew” as Nelly would call it.


Top Ten things that will RAWK about going “home”.

10) Angela and I will both be home for the holidays.

9) It will be great to go to The Loop and sip a smoothie in the cold after seeing my “Datta Crew” at the King.

8) It will be fun to sneak peaks at my “window crush” Charlie at Sunshine Daydream. (unless he really did move to KC also, and then it will just be my darn luck.)

7) It will be great to see Tony and Jamie’s newlywed pad. They are reeeeely cute! Ouch.

6) It will be fun to see the Carter-Piffs in all their glory and to see Peppy le’ Pew.

5) It will be neat to hear Bennnie say “Hi mom” in our special mom voice.

4) It will be great to go to the Blackberry Café’ with Angela and drink the drinks that Chrissy makes us with so much love. Then we will laugh too loud and people will be annoyed with us, but it will be ok, because we are loving life way to much to give it up. Hmmmm, I wonder of Cook Carey will be home!?

3) It will be neat to go to this one jewelry store with Jack-o and get there WAY before it closes, so that we do not have to shop for jelly bracelets under any sort of pressure.

2) It will be neat to sit on the porch swing with some hot cider and hear the kids say things like, “I’m to good for sleddin! So, you GO sleddin wit yo UGLY self!”

1) It will be neat to give my mom the coolest present of all time! I am so glad that I found it! (ma, if you are reading this, you will NEVER guess what it is in a MILLION years, so don’t even TRY! Love you!)

Aaaaahhhhhh

The classic Egg Nog Late'.

Yummmmmm

The Brain

"I have no lid upon my head, but, if I did, you could look inside and see what's on my mind." --Dave Matthews

TRUE DAT BROTHA MAN!

I truely wish that this was true. Communication is a hard thing to do. We are all so complex, and it is virtually impossible to express what one is thinking with out an avalanche of explaination in tangent form.

As a society, we are guilty of generalization. It is so hard to look at things as independant situations and feelings. What is good for one just might not be good for all. To act or judge someone or something because of its difference from your choice or decision making is dangerous and unfair.

So many times, we get angry at things because of fear. Fear causes all kinds of pain and suffering. Fear causes us to freeze up and avoid growth. To close us off from the rest of the world and its endless possibilities. Fear is also a very natural human emotion and it can rear its ugly head without us realizing it. That is where patience and communication come into play.

Listening to what others are feeling and thinking is such a great form of education. You get to learn about things that you would otherwise never know of. You see things from a completely different view and it can open your world up to a new plain of knowledge. I wish that we could all get a little better at this.
_______________

I went to school today to talk to the Financial Aid office. I hate financial aid. Let me re-phrase. I appreciate financial aid, for without it, I would not be able to afford this long awaited education, but it is a reall pain in the behind. I drove out there in pleanty of time because usually there is a very long line and it takes close to a century to get up to the front. Today, no line. YIPPEEE! So, I walk up to the desk, and hand them the "last" piece of paper they needed from me, only to hear that it will take a week to process this and then we will be able to see where to go from there. Talk about blah.

As of now, my tuition is $2,200.00. How do you like them apples? Yeah. I am a little freaked. I am poor. I am trying to pay off old debts that have me wanting to run for the hills. Everyone wants a piece of my income, and I don't have a big one. Double blah.

But besides that, life is feeling good. It feel like there is some major change in the air. Something that I can't exactly put my finger on, but something good. I have a lot of tests that are very present, but I am ready to work through them.

The test of existence is motion." --Abdu'l-Baha

--Genevieve

Lost in a Sea of Confusion...

Man.

I have felt the breaking of one too many hearts this week.

It hurts so deep when the people that you care about are crying inside, and you can’t do anything to help them. Especially when you have been down a similar path, and you want to tell them that everything is going to be okay. It will work out in time. But no one wants to hear that. When you are hurting, you are hurting and that is all that you can do.

I know how hard life is. I have made it through some extremely tough times. I have had to deal with a lot in only 26 years of life.

I will never say to anyone that my problems are or were worse then someone else’s problems, but that is just it. We are all faced with tests. Retched ones at that.

It may seem to be a cliché statement to some, but, God never gives us more then we are capable of handling.

I used to hate it when people would say that to me.

What did they know? They weren’t living in my shoes! They weren’t being abused by their stepfather. The man who was supposed to fill the void of the father that took off when he found out that a little girl named Genevieve Madeleine would soon enter the world. Fathers are supposed to protect their daughters. Neither of them did.

What did they know? They weren’t the one whose only break from it all was to drink and drug themselves to ease the pain. Not telling anyone my dark secret for fear of tearing the life away from my blessed mother and baby brother, the only two people I cared about at all. I hid this secret for 20 years so that I could protect them. I had no where to go but down. I fell into a lifestyle that would keep me numb so that I wouldn’t have to feel anything at all.

So, who was anyone to tell me that everything was going to be ok? As far as I knew, I was a joke. A test to see how far someone could go before they broke. I attempted ending it. I tried to give up. I was so done and there was nothing that anyone could do to change that. Life sucked and that was the end.

But that didn’t work. Darkness takes you farther and farther from the light. And the farther you get, the harder it is to recognize the smallest beam of light.

Destructive things come from destructive ways. The only way to change things is to change things.

I have learned that life is shit sometimes, but it is for a reason.

I know now that God loves. He would never give us pain because we deserve it. He would never make us go through pain and suffering because we are a waste of a soul. He wants us to grow and develop. He wants us to be strong. He gives us these tests so that we are prepared for things that will happen down the road. Things we could never see until we are there and are armed and prepared. And at that moment, it all makes sence.

To my darling friends that are drowning in their pain:

You are strong!
You are capable of everything in your life!
You are the light in the dark!

Please, shine!

If nothing else, remember that I love you.

--Gen Gen